Attached to a Feeling

Attached to a Feeling

On my walk today, I was listening to Carol Reynolds “Building Great Relationships” recordings. I was on the one called “How Do I Get Complete?” I listened happily along for about 50 minutes, reminding myself of things Carol has talked about so many times before. Good reminder, I thought.

Then she said the one thing that kicked my butt.

She was telling a story about attachments. As part of the “clean up process,” attachments can manifest in creating problems for ourselves, unconsciously. She said “maybe you are attached to a feeling that you had as a child, like maybe that guarded, fearful, survival feeling…then what happens is you think, on a sub-conscious level, you need that feeling.”

Holy crap.

That feeling of being fearful, of barely surviving, of being guarded. VERY familiar.

This is a feeling I’ve created in my life for…well…my whole life.

From the time I left home, I can remember this feeling about money in my life, regardless of my income.

When I was in the Navy, I earned $613 a month. I had ONE bill – for my piano. Yet I never had money. Ok, I did have to buy my own food since I was on a weird schedule and couldn’t eat in the chow hall, but that was it. Really? Where did the rest go? I didn’t have a wild lifestyle or buy tons of clothes or travel all over the place. I had a pretty quiet life, actually. So…???

When we moved to Virginia with a tiny baby, I so wanted to stay home with her and be a mommy. Fear had me get a part-time then full-time job. Then I got immersed in work (which I am ever so good at) and that was that. My career was always at the top of my list after that. Survival. I convinced myself I “had to work” in order to get by.

Yet, we did buy a little townhouse during that time. Hmmm.

Through the years, there never was enough money. I’m sure I could go back and find tons of places where the money was wasted, spent foolishly, mis-managed. Meanwhile, I spent hours and hours documenting every dime, creating a filing system, watching the money. To what result?

We did move into a bigger house…then I moved out. Then bought a townhouse on my own. All the time, having the feeling that I “couldn’t afford”…what? Anything!

More work, more work, more work. I worked full-time with the school district and taught 15 students private music lessons.

Work.

Work.

Work.

Then, frustrated with never feeling like there was enough, being away from my family, etc., I moved to Las Vegas to create a new life. The cost of living was lower (at least back then). Oh?

I bought a house at the upper edge of my budget. Really? Then wondered why I “couldn’t afford”….anything.

I married someone with, well, not great money management skills who had just lost his job. Really?

After just a few years we were sinking, sinking, sinking. The marriage ended. The house finally went into foreclosure. And I am going to bankruptcy court on Wednesday.

“That guarded, fearful, survival feeling.”

Now I am planning on expanding my successful music school into a commercial space and feeling…guarded, fearful, and in survival.” I have a very bad case of the “what-ifs.” What if there are hidden costs? What if no one wants to sign up for lessons? What if the great teachers I have quit? What if my partner (my daughter, Christine) changes her mind and doesn’t want to do this anymore? What if I don’t manage the money well and I get stuck? What if? What if? What if????

Meanwhile, I work, work, work, and never feel like I get anywhere.

Familiar? Hmmmm.

Here’s my Upper Limit Problem (The Big Leap) right here. FEAR.

I don’t have a solution as I sit here. I think it’s a pretty big deal to just see this and honestly confront it.

This is a huge “ah-ha” for me today. Completely worth every dime I’ve spent on any book, CD, or seminar I’ve ever done, especially of Carol Reynolds’.

Can you relate? How did you solve it?

Sending love to all,

Pam

Say "Yes" in a Big Way

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Do you really want what you want? How can you tell? Are you willing to do whatever it takes to get what you want?

Even...THAT?

You know, that one thing that terrifies you. That one thing that will change the way you view yourself and the world. Yep. THAT one. Are you willing to do THAT?

Sometimes saying "yes" to the Universe means stepping into scary territory. Now, the definition of "scary" depends on who you ask. Your scary might be jumping off a cliff into a crystal clear pool of water. (That's my definition of "insane.") Or it might be calling a business contact. Or it might be complementing someone at work. Or asking your boss for a favor. What's scary for you?

For me, "scary" means thinking bigger than I can imagine. Jumping into the concept of "really, really big" terrifies me. Some people can make that quantum leap into a completely new image of themselves. I struggle with it. For me, I seem to need to tip-toe into a new view of myself, baby-stepping as I go. Some would say that even my baby-steps are pretty dramatic. It feels slow to me.

My professional life has completely changed since my last post. Well, maybe not completely, but certainly "significantly."

About a year ago, I wrote a "story" of my life one year from then. I wrote it as if it had already happened.

This is a powerful exercise that I strongly recommend if you haven't done it. Think of a date one year from now to check back in. Then start with "I am so happy and grateful that I have an incredible life." And then describe all the good things that are now (your future date) happening in your life. Then read it every day for 30 days. Out Loud. Then put it away. Check back on your one-year date and you will be amazed at how much you have created in that time. (This idea is thanks to the ONE seminar - www.CarolReynolds.com)

 I wrote about a music school. Not a "studio," but a "school." I wove a beautiful picture of happy students embracing their instruments, joyfully practicing, grateful for a place to share their beautiful music. I pictured a shop with inspiring decor, quiet lesson rooms, a comfortable place for the parents and siblings to wait, computer stations for additional learning, a small commercial area with music books and t-shirts. It's a lovely picture.

No, I'm not quite there. But I'm getting there.

About eight weeks ago I realized I had a choice to make. I was getting lots of assignments to teach on the road and was having some difficulty scheduling my students in any kind of consistent way. This just won't work. Families need consistency. This is crazy-making for them, thinking they can just adjust their schedules to match mine.

Do I want to continue with the music school? Or do I want to throw all my eggs in one basket with the speaking business? "Multiple streams of income, multiple streams of income," Robert Kiyosaki's voice echoed in my head. Do you really believe in arts education? Are you willing to do whatever it takes for this belief? Are you willing to think BIG? Are you willing to get outside your comfort zone, embrace new challenges, have people count on you?

Big breath. Pause. Think. Another big breath.

Yes.

Yes, to the Universe, to the challenge before me.

Edwene Gaines voice says, "The HOW is none of my business."

I realized I needed a substitute teacher...or a partner teacher...or a mix of the two...or something completely different. But it needed to be a "Mary Poppins" type of teacher who does everything. A generalist, if you will, who teaches piano, voice, guitar, viola -- ok, that's just crazy to ask for THIS mix of skill. I'll probably have to hire a couple of people. Wish, wish, wish...

And the Universe listened.

Thanks to my friend, S, I was covered for August. That gave me time. Then I met Thien-nga. And Edward. And realized that the Universe was sitting off to the side, probably giggling, listening to every wish. "Magic? You want Magic?" the Universe asked. "You want the 'impossible'?" No problem.

The perfect teachers have fallen into my lap. I am grateful.

More available days mean saying "yes" to more students. We have doubled our enrollment.

Then I had a crazy week out of town and realized I was dropping leads, missing calls, failing to give my students the follow-up I wanted. Then my daughter said, "Can I help?" And another miracle happened. Because of her efforts, parents are getting calls before and after their first lesson - "just reminding you," and "how did it go?" They are stunned at the high level of customer service. I like "stunned."

So the plan now is to get good and solid, create a formal business plan for expansion, then move into a commercial space no later than next summer. Right now, it's a little like living in a store with students in our house every day. We are motivated to make this work for many, many reasons (including we'd like the house to be a house!). I believe in music education. I believe in the power of learning an instrument, playing it every day, enjoying it fully. I believe in the powerful life lessons learned through music lessons. I believe in the powerful impact music has on thinking abilities and creativity.

So "baby-stepping" my way, I have become an employer with three people (besides me) on my team. I love having a team. I love using "we" when talking about the school. I proudly tell everyone how amazing my teachers and staff are. We are creating a fun and inspiring place for the kids and adults to be taught, be nurtured, and be celebrated.

Yes, it's scary sometimes. Yes, I have moments when I don't know how. Then I figure it out. Or someone who does know how shows up in my life.

"Leap and the net will appear." If I can do it, so can you.

With love to all,
Pam

Do It Before You’re Ready

Have you heard the saying “Leap and the net will appear”? That’s a scary thought! Leap? Like off a cliff? Without being able to see the bottom?

Well, I don’t leap off cliffs, but I do the next best thing. I leap in life.

Do you leap without a net?

“I’m not really ready. I don’t know how!”

If the truth be told, I’ll probably NEVER be ready. But that’s ok. About a year and a half ago I attended a weekend seminar called Vision. The facilitator has a saying: “Do It Before You’re Ready.”

WHAT?? But I don’t know HOW!!

Boy, isn’t THAT a familiar thought. Edwene Gaines wrote in The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity “the HOW is none of my business.” None of my business? But, but, but…well…ok. [deep breath] None of my business.

What if I’m not all wrapped up in the HOW? What would be different in my life? What if I could do things that I want to do before I’m ready without knowing how? Wait! Maybe I’ve already been doing this without realizing it.

Ok. Here goes…

I wasn’t ready to leave home at 18 and I certainly didn’t know how to survive boot camp and yet…well, here I am. I didn’t know how to travel to Japan …but I did it. I lived in Japan for two years while I served as a Cryptologic Technician in the Navy.

I didn’t know how to be married and wasn’t ready at all to have a baby, yet just a few years later I found myself living in Northern Virginia with a loving husband and a beautiful baby girl, Christine.

I didn’t know how to work a computer so I had a great time breaking…I mean WORKING my Macintosh. With a hard drive. Oooo. I know, right? And I wasn’t ready to be a manager, yet I kept having people put under my supervision. I had no idea how to be a graphics specialist, yet I learned everything I could from reading trade magazines and taking classes at the community college.

I didn’t know how to design databases, run a training company, write software training manuals, yet somehow I figured it out.

I wasn’t ready to quit my job and go back to college, but I knew it was now or never. It took four years (that is, four years more than the 11 I had already spent taking classes) to finally get my Bachelor of Music degree. Yes, a BM. Go ahead. I know you want to snicker.

I certainly didn’t know how to deal with a room full of little kids and realized the first day of school I wasn’t ready to manage their behavior, test their skills, or deal with not ever being able to get a freaking day off. But I figured it out. I found myself loving my students. I learned to test only the things I actually taught. And I found out the goofier I was with them, the more they loved me and would do whatever I asked. [Ramirez, are you taking notes?]

I wasn’t ready to move to Las Vegas DESPITE an incredible amount of planning. I wasn’t ready to drive cross-country with my younger daughter, Jenna…and two cats. I wasn’t ready to find my way around a new city. But with a little help from my sister and a lot of Toastmaster friends, I’ve adjusted pretty well, I must say.

I wasn’t ready to get divorced…either time. Yet it turned out to be the right thing for everyone involved.

And I wasn’t ready to start dating again nor do I necessarily know how. Yet it’s been ever so much fun getting to know myself better through being in relationships. And it’s a lot of fun to practice.

I certainly wasn’t ready to quit my job…AGAIN…this time WITHOUT a safety net. What was that saying again? Leap and the net will appear? It’s true! Here I am a year later doing EXACTLY what I want. I have created an incredibly successful music school that is pushing the bounds of my imagination. At the same time, I am a professional speaker with an incredibly busy travel schedule going to cities I love like Denver, Seattle, and yes…Billings, Montana. No, really, Billings. Did I tell you I’m originally from Montana?

What’s the next thing I’m not ready for? I’m talking with my friend, Brent, about getting high ropes certified. Yes, climbing 30 foot poles on purpose to lead other people to do “it” (whatever that is for them) before they’re ready. And I may even leap…without a net.

Do it before you’re ready because the net WILL appear. And you don’t have to know how. The HOW is none of your business.

Re-Starting the Dream Machine

Funny, but I’ve been noticing lately that I’m having some difficulty imagining my life beyond now. Now is good. As a matter of fact, it’s very good. I’ve been working for myself for a year now -- can you believe it, a YEAR -- and I’m still alive, with a roof over my head, and business growing. Last summer, I set my music lesson price higher than I was comfortable, and that has turned out to be a great affirmation of my worth. I was bold and applied for a teaching job with SkillPath and got it. I agreed to join the team of amazing facilitators at camp and have found one of the best jobs I’ve ever had. My friendships are rich. I’m dating. It’s all good.

Really good.

Now...

What’s next?

I’ve been in leadership programs long enough to ALWAYS ask that question. It’s never about where I am but rather what’s next.

I have been concerned with my lack of imagination about the future and have been making a conscious effort to meditate on it a few times a week. (I know, daily meditation would be more effective. I’m working on that.) To guide my thoughts to an ideal experience of my future and to really feel the feelings, be in the satisfaction and joy that comes from having exactly what I want. It takes a lot of effort for me to do this. I wonder why.

As I talked with my dear friend and mentor today, she wisely told me to really dig and figure out when I stopped dreaming and why. We talked for over half an hour and I couldn’t find it. All I knew was that for as long as I could remember, the answer was “no.” There was no point in asking for what you wanted because the answer was “no.”

She asked what I wanted for myself when I was a kid and I really couldn’t think of anything. Was it that I didn’t have dreams? Or have I put them away so deeply that it will take back-hoes and dynamite to break them out?

My plan is to start journaling all the dreams I can remember. I’ve written about what I wanted in my life from time to time and have old journals I can dig up. My hope is that this will jar the dreamer in me to get back out here and get to work. I’ve always been goal driven. Where’s the fun, creative dreamer?

I also have a list I started called “I love it when…” which has helped me to look for the joy in every day. This list has turned out to be revealing about what matters to me.

So come along and dream. I would love to hear about other people’s dreams for themselves. Share! You can inspire me and others by dreaming out loud here on this blog. With our collective energy and good thoughts, we can support each other in having the life we really want.

Love to all,

Pam

Upper Limit Problem: Barrier no. 2

In my last post, I began to explore the barriers I have to success with the guidance from the book “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks (www.hendricks.com). I am revealing my process here so that I might help some of you who may be hitting a wall to your own success. 

I have been struggling with a seemingly insurmountable blockade to going all the way and achieving my greatest success. I get on a good path, headed in a good direction and WHAM! something happens that screws it up. I start losing weight, then I turn around and have gained 10 pounds. I get my finances in order and my car blows up. I get a great new job assignment then I get sick (and I NEVER get sick). What is going on here? When I found Gay’s book, I knew it would be powerful and it has definitely turned out to be.

So on we go to Barrier no. 2: Disloyalty and Abandonment

The unconscious mantra goes like this (from the book):

I cannot expand to my full success because it would cause me to end up all alone, be disloyal to my roots, and leave behind people from my past.

 The questions to ask about this are:

“Did I break my family’s spoken or unspoken rules to get where I am?” and 

“Did I fail to meet the expectations my parents had of me?”

If you answer yes to either of these questions, says Gay, then you’re likely to experience guilt feelings as you become more and more successful. To me guilt and shame are closely related (my coaches will have a hay-day with that, I’m sure!). The guilt makes us put on the brakes so that we either stop having successes or stop ourselves from feeling good about the success. If this is your barrier, according to the book, then you often follow successes with times of self-punishment (remember my reference to getting sick just after a great work assignment?).

The first question is a definite “yes.” This is the one where if you behave differently from how your family behaves, believe things they don’t believe, try things not in the family culture, you are questioned, judged, censured.  The underlying, accusing question, “Why would you want to do THAT?”

For example, my spiritual beliefs are pretty different from the bulk of my family. Most of my extended family is Methodist and I was raised in that church as well, as much as we went to church. I remember being chastised by my Granny Baker when we went to a Hinsdale, Montana, town reunion one year. My sister and I didn’t usually attend church so on Sunday morning we went wandering through the town. After the service, we got an earful from Granny asking us why we weren’t in church. Oops.

For many years, I towed the line and kept my spiritual disagreements to myself, KNOWING there was something different out there but beginning to feel like a freak since I seemed to disagree with so much of what I saw and heard in church. Guilt. Shame. Why am I so different? Such a problem? Why can’t I just do what everyone else is doing? Do I always have to be the rebel? This goes back to barrier no. 1 a bit, doesn’t it? The thought that there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. Of course there isn’t really ANYTHING wrong with me. 

Hey, Ego. Shhhhhh!

Just last summer, I began to embrace my spirituality again and allowed myself the space to be honest about my beliefs. What DO I believe? What questions DO I have? Where can I find the spiritual food that will guide me to a closer relationship with God/Universe/Source? I was invited to a religious science church and was astounded that others on the planet thought like I did. I was invited to attend the Spiritual Peacemakers class with the Beloved Community where I have been expanding my understanding of myself as a piece of God. This is NOT what my minister cousins believe. They think my whole family is a little weird. 

I’m beginning to be ok with that, though. Every time I get that spirit “tingle” I know I’m on the right path. At least for me. I send them love. Yet is is “breaking the spoken or unspoken rules” in my family. Just ask Granny (well, she’s moved onto the next adventure...).

In my professional life, I’m seeing why I’ve censured myself regarding my music performance. My family is very musical yet amateur level musical. My grandmother was a professional accompanist...in a small town in Montana. No one has been professional in any way other than teaching music. We all played instruments or sang in the choir throughout school. My sister and a few cousins even teach music. I’m realizing that there wasn’t much playing of instruments around the house though. Interesting.

When I was in college studying music, we were singing opera scenes, learning arias -- all kinds of very serious music. I was studying with a woman who was/is a professional opera singer and around great music in the Washington, DC, area. When I went to my grandma’s house for a visit I was singing some aria and enjoying myself when she came into the room with a puzzled look on her face. “You don’t want to be an OPERA singer, DO YOU?” I respected this woman. Unconsciously, I began to put this thought completely out of my head. I have never even auditioned for an opera. The power of ONE comment.

My mother told me a long time ago that she had wanted to study music in college but was forbidden by her step-father since he was paying the bill. He insisted that she get a practical degree so that she could go out and get a good job. It killed her spirit in a lot of ways. She loves music and has even sung in many church and community choirs. But she hasn’t studied seriously since she was a kid.

My family “understanding” is that music is a nice hobby but not something that you do professionally. It took all of the courage I had to quit the school district and go into business for myself as a private music teacher. When I realized I could make the same money in half the time, freeing me up to do whatever else I’d like to do with my life, I just couldn’t say “no” any longer.

I now sing in a professional caroling group, very high level a cappella jazz quartet singing. I love it. I cherish it, as a matter of fact. I even BRAG about it. I love the challenge of knowing all that music, of singing it on demand, and connecting to every client. It’s just FUN. My family doesn’t really “get” it. My dad even recently admitted that I’m being successful much quicker than he had thought I would. He was surprised. It almost —yes, ALMOST—makes me feel like I should slow down.

Nope. Success, here I am!! (By the way, while I’ve been writing this, I’ve added two new students.)

Back to the questions.

Family culture regarding relationships is non-communication, avoiding problems, substance abuse, denying who you are and what you need, and divorce. In addition, there is a LOUD underlying belief that men are irresponsible and/or dangerous.

I have been married twice. The first one ended primarily because of bipolar disorder on his part. The lifestyle was very much like living with my alcoholic step-father in a lot of ways. The second one ended because of financial irresponsibility. I’d like to say “on his part” but I must be responsible in my view of the situation. WE created a mess. I allowed it, bought into it, surrendered to it, and played my favorite part—“VICTIM”—in response to it.

These failed marriages are not a surprise to my family since this is just the way it is. It is to be expected. Marriages fail. If they weren’t going to anyway, we make sure they do. I wouldn’t say it’s a conscious decision.

Look at the next relationship I had. Very nice man. Similar philosophy of life. Thought I was amazing. Respected my opinion. Treated me very well. With my family culture of “avoid problems,” when I started to feel uncomfortable, I pulled away. I got scared. Told myself “this is the same as...” and ran. Recently I heard someone say about trouble in a relationship that when things get uncomfortable that is the time to “lean into the love” with the partner. What a great thought. Instead of run, trust the love that is there to work through whatever it is.

At the time, I thought it was another case of attracting the wrong man, but who knows? Maybe any of these people WERE the right man, just doomed because of my barrier to success.

Hey, Universe, can I please have another chance at working through stuff with a romantic partner? This “lean into the love” thing sounds much better than pulling away and running. (Picture us on the low—or high—V getting really far across because of our complete commitment and trust. Nice.)

More recently, I saw this barrier show up in April after the first of four Leadership Challenge camp weekends. The first weekend was great. I was a full-fledged facilitator. I got to run events, do tee-ups and tee-downs. I loved it! On Monday when I got home, the headache and run-down feeling turned into shades of the flu. I NEVER GET SICK. I learned a long time ago that I only have physical issues when I’m avoiding something or just need a break. At the first sign, I do a internal inventory and find out what might be “up” for me, take a day of rest and pampering and usually I’m back at it. No problem.

Not this time.

This stupid flu-ish thing lasted for several weeks and even now at the end of MAY, I still have a little cough hanging on. MAY.

If this isn’t guilt reactions to some success barrier I don’t know what it is. So dumb. And yet, here it is.

I can’t tell you how many times this kind of thing has happened in my life. How about you? Please tell me I’m not the only one…

My friend, Vicki, would remind me to infuse this barrier with love. It is here for a reason. Love it. Thank it. And release it. And more. And more. And more.

Love to you all,

Pam

Upper Limit Problem: Barrier no. 1

I very wisely (if I do say so myself) am reading "The Big Leap" by Gay Hendricks. I heard an interview with him and knew this was an important book for me. It arrived in the mail and oooooo! it's so pretty! Then it sat on my coffee table in the living room for....oh.....probably three months. THREE MONTHS!!

Now that I'm actually reading it, I understand my resistance. Oh, don't get me wrong -- it's an amazing book. "Resistance" because I knew it would change my life. This certainly isn't the first book to have this impact, nor will it be the last.

I invite you on this journey with me. Read along (the book, that is)! Do your own work, though, and dig for yourself so that you can live in your Zone of Genius. Being everything we can be is what this blog is all about.

In chapter 2, Gay describes the barriers that come up when we reach higher and higher levels of success. He writes "when you attain higher levels of success, you often create personal dramas in your life that cloud your world with unhappiness and prevent you from enjoying your enhanced success."

Drama? Me? You mean something ridiculous and petty that doesn't mean anything to anyone but me? Something I just can't seem to shake or overcome despite my best logic? Something that appears as judgement and nastiness toward another? Whew! This sounds an awful lot like survival, automatic reactions that feel like my life depends on it. Yet, there's a deep knowing that it's all a facade.

Read on.

Gay identifies four barriers that come up for people. He says everyone he's worked with has at least one although no one has had all four. Well, he clearly hasn't met me.

[I'm not going to do a book report here so go buy the book and find out what he means by "barrier" and how to identify each one for yourself. I reveal my own process with the intention of helping all of us on our journey. If you don't want to read it, cool. Still, go get the book...unless of course you currently ARE operating in your Zone of Genius, not just your Zone of Excellence.]

Barrier #1: Feeling Fundamentally Flawed

My Upper Limit mantra is:
I cannot expand to my full potential because there is something fundamentally wrong with me.

Of course I don't believe this consciously, yet it haunts me. When will they find out I'm a fraud? I don't really know what I'm doing, you know. "I don't know how" is a phase that flits through my brain. Where does this come from?

Gay describes cases of an "invisible crime" that kids commit when a parent unknowingly disregards, judges, ignores, etc. because of something they didn't even do or didn't have any control over. My mom and I were discussing our history the other day and she reminded me of something that happened not long after she and my dad split up. I was 4 or 5 and she was very broke. She wanted me to get into the Headstart program because it was free. I would have childcare and "school" at no cost. She was in graduate school and worked as a graduate assistant. With two little ones at home, it was really hard financially. Well, I went in for the test with the Headstart program and apparently I was brilliant. I knew more than plenty for my young age and was OVER-qualified for their program. Even when she was relating the story to me a few days ago, my mom jokingly blamed me for being "too smart."

That was my "invisible crime." Because I was too smart, my mom had to figure out childcare which ended up being my sister watching me a lot, something that would be illegal now but at that time was acceptable. Do I  have a deeper understanding of families who make their kids watch each other because they just can't afford childcare? You bet. Not that it's right or good or even SAFE, but I understand.

It's a little thing, right?

Do you think there's any relationship between that at my 3.76 GPA in high school? My being SUMA cum laude in college, not MAGNA? With being second best so many times in my life?

Gay writes that each of these barriers comes with a related fear. The one for this barrier is "if you did make a full commitment to living in your Zone of Genius, you might fail." Fully committing. What does THAT look like? Put all my eggs in one basket? With no "back door"? Aaaaaagggghhh!!

"It's the belief that even your genius is flawed, and that if you expressed it in a big way, it wouldn't be good enough." Is that why I'm not performing? Is that why I'm terrified of auditions? Is that why I took voice lessons last summer and did nothing with it? Is that why I have voice recitals planned that I've never done? I'm even reluctant to sing at karaoke, for crying out loud!! Crazy!

"This belief tells you to play it safe and stay small. That way, if you fail, at least you fail small." Coaches, are you listening? How many times have I been told that I am not working up to my potential? I head in a good direction, I do great, everyone is happy, congratulates me, celebrates me...and then I quit.

I quit.

Projects, learning, relationships...you name it. Play small.

This is not in any way a "beat up Pam" session. This is an awareness session. I TOLD YOU this book is changing my life. When I read through the four barriers I couldn't breathe. I say this is good. I say this is some of the deepest work I've done.

I'm only on Chapter TWO so I know there are solutions here as well. Stay with me, especially if you are also holding back in your life, wondering why you can't seem to get to the top of your game, why you step back when you know know know you need to step up.

The next three posts will be my exploration of the other three barriers:
Hidden Barrier no. 2: Disloyalty and Abandonment
Hidden Barrier no. 3: Believing That More Success Bring a Bigger Burden
Hidden Barrier no. 4: The Crime of Outshining

"The Big Leap" by Gay Hendricks. Subtitle: "Conquer Your hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level." It's not cheap at $25.99 but look for a used copy on Amazon or something. WELL worth it.

With love,
Pam

Is Avoiding Conflict Perpetuating Conflict?

My friends, I am struggling today. I am dealing with -- processing -- an issue that is taking way too much of my conscious time. As a result, I am finding myself running through scenarios, practicing conversations, asking "what else could I have done?", and yes, feeling resentful and small because of it.

YUCK!!

Yet, I am struggling because I can't seem to shake it.

I hear my friend, Vicki Kalmin, tell me "love it, just love it completely, ENFUSE the situation with love."

I hear my friend, Carol Reynolds, ask me "when was the first time you remember having this feeling?"

I hear my friend, Diane Donovan, remind me that the mind is powerful and to approach everything from the soul level, that we are all connected.

I read in The Art of Spiritual Peacemaking the voice of James Twyman/Yeshua "There is nothing you need to change about yourself, but rather, to accept what cannot change."

I remember from the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that I can only change those things in my circle of influence. Those things in my circle of concern just create worry.

I will not explain the detail because I have a new promise that I will only speak kindly about it from now on. Of course making that kind of promise has already found me back in that old thought pattern - GOSSIPY. Yuck. Declaring love brings up all those things "unloving", right?

The icky stuff I'm feeling is about toleration, courage, and making the choice when to just walk away.

In broad strokes, I found myself tolerating a situation that was unhealthy. I was associated with a group where I had started to resist going to meetings, groaning to myself yet going out of obligation. I think in solutions, so I did what I knew (and even tried some new stuff) to make the situation better. To no avail. I was not able to make the changes needed for this to be a healthy situation. My ego is saying "YOU FAILED."

After a time, I made the decision to walk away.

But I didn't make the situation better. At least, I don't think so.

What I struggle with (I think) is that I didn't to the really courage thing of confronting the leader and call for the removal of this leader in the best interest of the group. That is my own courage issue.

I think for me this goes back to childhood (of course -- thank you, Carol) when I never had to really deal with conflicts like this. Are you wondering if I had some sort of calm, zen childhood? Oh, hell no. You see, if I had a conflict I didn't worry about it because pretty soon I'd be moving away. See the pattern? Conflict = go away. The moving was never BECAUSE of the conflict (in my childhood) but was often very convenient.

I think it was Gaye Hendricks I was reading the other day (he's such a genius) who was sharing a story about a previous marriage. He said when conflict happened he moved away from his wife's love when what he should have done was lean INTO her love. What a concept.

My mind goes to a low ropes event we do at camp called the Low V. In this event, you MUST lean INTO your partner to get across and win the event. Imagine a HIGH V, 30 feet off the ground where you are leaning INTO your partner. Trust and Commitment. That's what it takes.

So was I showing Trust and Commitment to this group? Or did I just RUN to make it easy?

Or is there a time when you just have to walk away?

Is this a case of me not being ready for whatever lesson was there for me? (I'm sure I'll get another chance...you know how that works.)

Did I contribute something positive to the situation?

Or is this a case of me just wanting to feel bad? You know, that's a real possibility here since I've been realizing lately how well things are going for me. Business is good, I am enjoying my flexible schedule, I'm attending live music events, going for walks most days. Is it just a matter of what Gaye Hendricks calls an "upper limit problem." I'm getting what I want so it's time to screw it up.

I need to finish this book (The Big Leap) and I mean QUICK.

Ok. Thank you, my friends, for letting me work this out with you. There are lessons here (like the conflict = leave lesson). I will continue to enfuse love into the situation whenever it comes to mind. I will continue to ask "when did you first experience this feeling?" and the eternal question "what's this REALLY about for you?"

In the meantime, I will speak with LOVE and KINDNESS. I will endeavor to leave every place and person an little better off than before. I will be courageous in voicing my love and appreciation for others. And for myself.

Thank you for walking this path with me. I so appreciate knowing you are there.

Pam

Good Day

My definition of a GOOD DAY:

A morning choir concert of one of my students. They were dressed in flowers and wings and sang about bugs and spiders and nature. Very cute. Cute enough to distract me from the two teachers talking about who knows what on the next bench (until I gave the "what are you doing?" stare - evil laugh inserted here). Cute enough to make me incredibly glad I came.

An afternoon of rehearsal with the cutest bunch of farmers and animals I could see. My 6-8 year old class practiced on the BIG STAGE for their performance tomorrow. They remembered their lines, chased the foxes around, and were appropriately shocked when Mother invited the intruders to dinner.

An evening listening to the sounds of a middle school orchestra concert that another student invited me to. The bonus is that he goes to the school where I taught just last year so I got to see all my little babies all grown up. Hugs and hugs and hugs. How are you doing? and It's so good to see you? and Where are you going to high school next year?

Yep.

A very GOOD DAY.

P.

Reconciliation

I went to a concert last night that has me out of balance.

Don't get me wrong. It was a wonderful concert. The Las Vegas Philharmonic performed with the Las Vegas Master Singers and a quartet of professional singers. It was Opera Night. Some well-known arias and a few choruses from operas I studied in college.

Ah, yes.

Carmen.

The flower duet.

Traviata.

Hmmmmm. Delicious.

Today I find myself yearning...yes, that is the right word...YEARNING for gardens. For flowers. For the beauty and peace of green and pink and yellow. For the grace of an iris. For the intoxicating smell of the hyacinth. Spring bulbs and clumsy country perennials.

And the tears flow.

You see, two days ago I found myself in the yard of my soon-to-be-sold house. I don't live there any more. Yet I am still drawn to care for the yard. I had stopped by a week or so before and been appalled at the state of the yard. Overgrown, weeds...shocking. Don't laugh. I come from a long line of gardeners. My grandmother was a champion flower arranger so having a yard that looked like that was an affront to my very DNA. And so I responded.

Sometimes I think the only thing (or one of the only things) that keeps me human is to dig my hands into the dirt and connect with the very planet on a physical level. The soul connection with Mother Earth herself is like touching the face of God. Even in the desert of Nevada. Even if the weeds are surrounded with the stupid damned rocks that seem to be in every "xeriscape" yard. Where is the earth? I look out every window of my house and see rocks. Hard, cold rocks.

I need green.

I need dirt.

My CAT even needs dirt (I don't understand it but she loves to roll in the dirt and has rubbed a bare spot in every yard I've had to create what she needs).

During my time weedwacking (yes, weedwacking) the entire back yard, I found myself with pruners in hand, talking to the pear tree. I don't know why, but I said, "I'm so sorry," and started to cry. Why in the world was I sorry to the pear tree? And what in the world brought these tears? What am I processing here?

I called my daughter, Jenna, about the tree thing. You see, the tree was a birthday gift to her the first year we were in Las Vegas. She said, "If you're going to move me to Las Vegas, I want a fruit tree in the yard." She had never asked for any kind of plant or bush or anything like that so I bought it and we planted it. Maybe three years later, after she had moved out, the tree started to bear fruit and had created delicious pears ever since. We canned and canned each year. When I talked to her she (very wisely) suggested that maybe I was saying I was sorry for a promise unfulfilled. "Trees are very permanent, Mom. So maybe that's it." Of course, she added, that she has no ill feelings about the tree so as far as she is concerned we are good.

A tree. Crying about a silly tree.

An unfulfilled promise.

Back to the opera.

An unfulfilled promise.

Flash back to about 16 years ago at a high ropes course in Pennsylvania. Picture me climbing a 30 foot telephone pole. I get to the top to find a rickety disk at the top and me standing on it. I turn around to face a bell I will ring when I jump off. "What does the bell represent?" the people below me ask. It is a symbol of my future, according to the event. "CARNAGE HALL and my audition for the New York Opera." And I jumped. And I nailed it.

And then life happened.

I started teaching elementary music. "I can't take lessons or be in a performing group now. I have to concentrate on getting my feet under me as a teacher."

Then it was kids.

Then it was divorce.

Then it was moving.

Then it was...

Fear.

My whole life, music has been my unfulfilled promise. I've got something. I get music. Especially song. But even when I played viola in my prime people would comment on the passion and deep, mature understanding of the music. I was chosen for All-State. Then again. Then for a national choir that would tour Europe...but that one was just a dream. Money. Damn it!

Practicing doesn't cost anything, I would tell myself. True, but you can only teach yourself so much. Lessons cost money. Voice lessons cost more (you have to hire a teacher AND a pianist).

Argument with self ensues:

Do you really want the performer lifestyle?

(Grandmother's voice, disbelieving) You don't want to be a professional opera singer, do you?

What will you do with the kids?

You have to work. This will be fine. It's fine. It's good. Really. No, REALLY.

It was many years later that I found the carolers. Then I bought Maynard (my new viola) and started lessons. Then started to learn Garage Band. Then re-started a private music studio.

Then stopped practicing.

Again.

Filled my life with OTHER stuff. You know, the "other" stuff. The stuff of survival.

Don't get me wrong. Survival, on one level anyway, is good. You really do need a roof over your head, heat, water, food. That's all good. But that doesn't really make you "human" on more that a physical level. Being alive is good.

Being human is better.

So humanity for me is dirt. And flowers. And music. Without it, I lose myself.

Ahhhh. There you are!

Sunburn. Scratched and bruised arms.

Sitting at the piano trying a new piece.

Flipping through a guitar book reviewing where in the world all the notes are.

Singing everywhere I go (no, really) whatever song has taken over my brain today.

Human.

Much better.

Let Go!

I was listening to Guy Finley speak on Healing with the Masters this week. He was talking about letting go. Letting go of those things that weigh us down, cause us unhappiness, poison our soul. He told a story about learning to water ski, falling, and hanging on to the tow rope for dear life as he was dragged through the water. His family was yelling from the boat and the shore, "LET GO!" Eventually he did let go but only when he felt there was no other option. He suggested later in the interview that the reason we don't let go is because we don't even see what's going on. We don't realize how simple the solution is.

Sometimes letting go is easy.

I went line dancing with a friend last night. We were both "first timers" and were glad there was a bit of a class going on. It was early in the evening and they always teach a few dances for the newbies like us. The rest of the night you're on your own to pick up the dances as you go along. I used to dance a lot in high school, age of disco and the first wave of line dancing. As a music teacher, I learned about contra dancing and have taught folk dancing for years...to kiddos, but still... I did pretty well, actually. It was funny to watch my brain work though. Klutz klutz klutz...OH, I get it! I was grateful for the more experienced dancers. It was easy to let go of looking good while my friend was out there struggling and laughing with me.

Then she went to the bathroom.

I stood to the side for a few minutes as I watched another line dance start. Why am I standing here? This is dumb. So I let go of the fear and went out to dance. Had a GREAT time.

Easy.

That one was easy to see. Like Guy said, the ones that are harder to let go are the ones we DON'T see.

I've noticed I'm still carrying anger regarding my former husband. Husband #2. I thought I had dealt with all of that and completely let go. I had nothing. Forgive, forgive, forgive. And then I was telling a story and found myself griping. No, bitching. There was anger in my voice. There was regret and pain. There was fear about both the past and future. It wasn't pretty.

Where did THIS come from?

I know through my study with Edwene Gaines that prosperity comes from regular tithing, yes, AND forgiveness work. I need to get to work.

Here's what James says today (actually Jeshua through James).

"A Spiritual Peacemaker has only one goal: to forgive everything and everyone by SEEING everything as it really is. When you perceive any thing as it is not, you will feel the need to attack it because you do not understand it. But when you realize that you are everything you perceive, that it literally is an aspect of you that seems splintered from the Source, then it is easier to understand because all the answers exist in the same place -- within you. Forgiveness is simply the ability to SEE past the illusions you once created to hide from the Truth, and KNOW what is real. You can do this at any moment. No preparation is required, only your willingness to lay aside what has never brought you joy." (The Art of Spiritual Peacemaking, by James Twyman)

Well, that's a mouthful.

Honesty. See everything as it really is. You are everything you perceive. It is literally an aspect of me. Know what is real.

My anger with #2 has to do with financial irresponsibility. That anger is really about me. Here I am (without #2) struggling financially. I tell myself I am recovering from the time with him. True? Maybe a little. But I also completely changed my life last August when I quit my job. That has nothing to do with #2. Given all I've learned now about living frugally and in creation, might I have my financial ducks in a row if I still had a salary? Maybe. I might still have decided to sell my house and downsize my housing costs. I have certainly learned to live simply (thank you, Lavender, for that mantra -- "I have an simple, easy life."). So #2 was just a mirror for my own irresponsibility (which I have unfortunately passed to my beautiful children). That is something I need to forgive MYSELF about. My #2 was a gift in my life to show me this part of myself.

Some of the dynamics of the relationship were strange, too. It seems he married his mother. Did I wish I were marrying my dad? Maybe so. They are very much alike. Did I face similar frustrations I've had with that relationship? Probably. Wishing it were something it isn't. Living in a dream rather than seeing what is really there. Ok, that's TWO marriages that happened in. Fantasy doesn't work in close relationships. That's all on me. "SEEING everything as it really is." It's ME that I need to forgive about this one, too. Another mirror. Another chance to heal some part of me.

I am grateful for being able to "SEE past these illusions." I've been dragged under the water long enough  for these lessons. I am letting go.

Pam

The Ego's Ultimate Revenge

I got stuck.

It was four days ago.

I'm not sure that I'm un-stuck, but I know I'm on the way.

I have a practice I've been following for more than 100 days that grounds me and connects me to spirit. I am in a class called the Spiritual Peacemakers. The text we use is James Twyman's book The Art of Spiritual Peacemaking. In the class we read the lesson for the week (James designed it to be read every 3 days...our way is pretty powerful, I must say) then there are daily readings in the back of the book. I read the section for the day in the morning and I found that I honestly wasn't awake or aware enough to really "get" the reading (or that's what I tell myself) so I started reading it again in the evening right before going to sleep. I know about how the subconscious works on stuff in your sleep anyway so I thought that was a good idea. What I found was powerful.

Most of the time, I read in the morning and feel like I have no idea what was written. I know the ego has a way of fighting soul development by saying things like "this is stupid," "that doesn't make any sense," "you can't understand this." Ok. So be dumb. Fight it. Whatever.

Then when I read it again in the evening, I find a deep and powerful understanding. Many times I will swear that what I read in the evening was NOT in the book that morning. Where did that come from? Did I forget to read this morning?

And I am richer in my life for this practice.

Then four days ago I got stuck.

I was on Day 103 (if you're counting...or following along in your text) and everything went well. I was in Kansas, getting certified to be a professional trainer for a company I respect. All was going well. Then Day 104 came. I read the book in the morning and blew off the evening reading. I found myself feeling irritable and was complaining all day -- something that has become rare. I justified it by saying it had been a really challenging week and I was tired and I just needed to get some sleep and it was really late because the plane was late and now...

You get the idea.

Then came Day 105. I read in the morning and again, blew off the evening reading. I heard myself again overtly justifying the choice. I'm tired, I don't have to do it EVERY day, no one is keeping track, what's the big deal?

You get the idea.

Then I went to class on Tuesday. I knew I was irritable and complaining. Maybe I just need some physical contact? Maybe I need hugs. I gave hugs all around yet I was still just barely there. Our leader even commented, "You aren't in your body, are you?" When it was my turn to share, I told about how I felt like I was "up against" something because I've been "yelling" and arguing with my "stupid book."

You see, a few days before Day 103 the readings started on a theme. "Only the Beloved is Real." This is definitely an ego-challenging statement. The writings talked about being able to really SEE what is real, about knowing the Truth (with a capital "T"). The Truth is that only the Beloved (God) is real. We are a part of God so that love that God is is really all that matters.

Ok, got that one. So why did I get stuck?

One of our class mentors suggested that if I changed my routine on Day 104 and 105 that we should look at Day 103. I immediately started crying, a normal soul response, so much so that I asked the leader to read the passage for me.

What she read I SWEAR wasn't even in my book. What she heard and talked about from that passage wasn't at all what I read. That's how ego works when the concept is challenging.

What I got stuck about in the passage was something completely different.

Here's the passage:
Only the Beloved is Real.
If this is true, then there is nothing that can harm you in any way. That is because only love proceeds from the Beloved, and that is what you really want. The only thing that can hurt you is what your soul does not want, and yet you seek after it anyway. This is the ego's ultimate revenge, for to seek and never find is the punishment it believes you deserve. You are only punishing yourself, and now that you realize this, you can choose again. Say these words as often as you can today to help you remember your soul's highest goal. Remembering is the first step. The second is the willingness to act upon this memory. Luckily, that is where your role ends, for the Holy Spirit is there to do the rest. [emphasis is mine]

To seek and never find is the ego's ultimate revenge. What am I seeking that my soul does not want? Why do I feel I should be punished? (This HAD to be the thing that I got stuck on because when I read it, the tears just came. I mean CAME.)

That does seem like a pretty intense revenge, when I think about it. Seeking and seeking and seeking, investing your heart and soul into something that just never seems to happen. That's frustrating. And sad.

Now, the interesting thing is that Day 103 was the day AFTER I found out I was indeed certified as a trainer for this company and the entire trip to Kansas was a huge success. This news put me on a path I have been thinking about, yearning for, working on for probably 20 years. Being a seminar trainer. Traveling to different towns, meeting lots of interesting people, being able to help people live better lives. This is cool!!

So I wasn't seeking and NOT finding in this case. I was finding! My professional life is right on track. My financial life is right on track. So what am I not finding?

Oh.

That.

That seems to come back at times like this, dammit.

Oh, sorry. This is an old "friend." I forget that everyone doesn't know about it.

You see, yearning for my professional life and my financial life is easy. It's safe. It's politically correct and something you can talk about at parties. Everyone understands about wanting to be professionally and financially secure and on track.

What you DON'T talk about -- because we are allergic to intimacy as a whole -- is those PERSONAL yearnings.

Crap. Here come the tears again. I must be onto something.

Along with the Peacemaker class, I'm also reading The Moses Code (also by James Twyman, if you're wondering). I'm up to Chapter 7, the Two Paths. Exercise #7 is called "What Your Soul Really Wants."

What my soul REALLY wants.

Make a list, it says, of everything your soul longs for. The examples indicate we are talking about soul qualities like compassion, joy, peace. Then he gives a meditation practice to connect to those soul yearnings (interesting I chose that word...) and shift your energy to re-connect to these sleeping traits. Sleeping because if I am one with God I have all things. Now.

What I have found, especially during these past few complaining days is when I'm noticing my complaining I ask myself what does my soul really want right now. Then I do the exercise right there, even if I'm driving. I claim it. I have it now. The one that has been coming up most recently is connection.

Then I listened to Brian Vaszily on Jennifer McLean's Healing With the Masters series. Brian was sharing about his program/book called Nine Intense Experiences. One thing he said that caught my ear was how we as a society are suffering from a sever lack of connection. This doesn't make any sense since we are technologically more connected than ever. Yet the DEPTH of connection has become very surface and we know very little about even our very closest loved ones. Many of us live in a very surface world. We talk about our professions. We talk about sports. We talk about how much we love a certain restaurant or movie. But we don't share our souls. We don't share what really matters.

I think that's why I make sure I go to Peacemakers Class every week. We share our souls.

I think that's why I was sad after the last two Vision seminars when I wasn't in the weekend. I helped but walked away without the deep connection the participants had with each other.

I DO have those deep soul connections with a handful of people. Yet I can't say right now I have a "best friend." I don't have ONE person I know I can call or turn to. I know there are lots of people who love me (who also love, by the way). I know there are people I would do anything for and vice versa. Yet what I am seeking and not finding is a connection, a deep forever kind of connection. Yes, a "true love."

I was talking with a friend the other day who was frustrated that his love, his huge heart of love, was being rejected by someone. He felt an overwhelming need to reach out and connect. I know about this. I've felt that many times. It is actually physically painful to me to send out love and have it stopped, deflected, sent back. OUCH! So there is fear attached to this for me.

Big surprise. Fear.

The ego's best tool for control.

So last night after I read Day 103 yet again, I decided I must be thinking somewhere in myself that I need to be punished. This is certainly not a conscious thought. However, I do know the power of forgiveness. Maybe if I spend some time in forgiveness of myself I will come to something here. So I began. "I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you." (I'm realizing just now this is part of an exercise Jennifer McLean teaches.) As I said these words quietly to myself, the tears began to flow. I didn't know what I was forgiving myself for. I don't think it mattered. It's not like I've lead a particularly heinous life. Yet there are always things we decide we "should have done differently." I kept going. "I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you."

And then I slept.

The soul's highest goal is to love.

No one can stop me from loving. That's only something I do to myself.

No one can hurt me. That's only something I do to myself (emotionally, that is).

"Remembering is the first step. The second is the willingness to act upon this memory. Luckily, that is where your role ends, for the Holy Spirit is there to do the rest."

Thank you, Jeshua (and James).

I am willing.

Making Friends with My Ego

I woke up this morning with a weight on my head. I know that sounds a little strange and as I write it I wonder what that actually means. I had some sort of dream where I struggled. It's been weeks since I've had this type of dream (thankfully) and I'm wondering why now? What is going on that I am needing to struggle, even in my sleep?

What comes up for me is an old "tape." My ego (mind) is fighting the success I'm beginning to experience in my life. "It won't last." "It's a fluke." "Yes, but..." SHHHHHH!! I know I need to make friends with my ego since it is a part of who I am, after all. But sometimes....

I think I need to spend much of today outside. It's difficult to take a deep breath. I stepped outside onto the back patio a few minutes ago and was grateful for the cool air as it entered my lungs. I took several deep breaths, thanking the air, thanking the organisms in the air, thanking the sun, thanking gravity. Sometimes I have to get back to the very basic, basic things.

I'm working on something big in my mind, my understanding, my soul. My intention for this week is to speak my truth. I've been pretty clear and forthcoming with people.

Have I?

E-mail is still "safer" than live conversations. That is the next step, I suppose. That is the ridiculously simple next step. I'm noticing a child-like reaction to the idea of being forthright with people. A fear, a survival level fear. "But they won't like me!" I hear in my whiniest voice. This is my child, my little sweet girl who was alone so much. With move after move, my little girl desperately reached out for friends, taking whatever attention she was offered, accepting any type of friendship she could find. It would have been emotional suicide to counter anyone, to point out inconsistencies, to stand out by standing up. It wasn't until high school that I started not caring (on some level) what people thought and just did what I did.

I had a taste of the popular life for about 3 months my sophomore year.

Then...we moved. And I was a nobody again.

It surprises me when I get acknowledged now. I recently had an experience that helped me to see my impact on others. I got on a new level that my presence (or lack thereof) makes a difference.

I committed to coach a Challenge team. Then realized that Challenge was the same weekend of a Leadership Camp I had already committed to. Ego said, "Just tell Kathy you're busy that weekend. It's no big deal. You won't be missed." Thanks, Ego.

Then I got the email back from Kathy. My dear, loving friend. My friend I can count on to kick my butt when needed. "I am shocked that you would..." That's all I needed to hear. Previous coaching wafted through my mind "you are slippery with your commitments..." Crap. Here it was. In black and white. My stupid (no, I haven't yet made friends with my Ego) Ego/Mind LIED to me again. I immediately made the situation right by honoring my original commitment to camp and making sure my Challenge coachees were taken care of with a new coach.

You don't matter.

No one cares if you're here or not.

You don't have anything to say.

These are some of the LIES I hear from time to time. These are stories that have helped me survive all the moves. All the new people. All the changing rules. All the changing expectations. If I don't have anything to say, it won't bother me that I'm ignored by the other kids. If no one cares if I'm here or not, then they won't miss me when I leave (or the other way around). If I don't matter, then I can be treated how ever I'm treated and that is normal and fine.

Most of the time I can turn the volume down.

Some days, it gets kind of loud. Today, it turns out, is a loud day.



How do I turn it around? I go to gratitude. That is nearly always the turnaround secret.

I am grateful that my Ego has been protecting me. It has good intentions. I need to give it a new job.

Wait, I gave it a new job a few months ago. I gave it the job of making sure I have fun. Maybe all I need to do is REMIND it of that job.

So THERE, Ego. Get back to work!! Today is a "free" day where I can do whatever I want. I have very few appointments today, so what do I want to do that is fun??

Ego, are you thinking?

That's how I can make friends with my Ego.

Integrity?

I was convicted today.

No, not of a crime. I'm not in jail or anything like that.

I picked up "The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity" by Edwene Gaines and determined to finally finish those last few pages. I've been studying this book for several months and have put into practice what she is teaching to the best of my ability. This book really was the inspiration for this blog, as a matter of fact.

So I opened the book to my bookmark and started to read. That's when I was convicted. You know, the God-whapping-you-on-the-head kind of conviction. The are-you-paying-attention-NOW kind of conviction.

The marker was at page 201 (follow along in your textbook, kiddies). The subtitle was "Affirmations for Integrity." I start to read and recognized that I've heard her talk about this on her CD on living your life purpose. The source is Tolly Burkan, the founder of the Firewalking Institute of Research and Education.

The first one is "I always pay attention."

Sure I do.

Oh, really? Then why is your Toastmaster club experiencing a drastic drop-off in attendance? Why is is that your tires are still wobbling and you haven't gotten them rotated in a while? Why is it that you are still 20 pounds overweight? Are you REALLY paying attention?

Edwene writes that it's about being 100 percent present to RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. When you pay attention completely, she says, you become whole with it.

Conviction number ONE.

Second one: "I always tell the truth and tell it quickly."

Absolut....ok, no.

She writes about being afraid of people not liking us or approving of us. That's why most of us don't tell our truth. We think we will "hurt" others if we are honest. It's about being true to myself and telling MY TRUTH. That is a very loving thing to do for everyone involved. I had a mentor once ask me what my involvement in her company would be. She said, "whether you say yes or no will be the best thing for you and it will also be the best thing for me so just be honest." Good advice. THAT is telling my own truth and telling it quickly.

For me, this is about being honest about my satisfaction with my Toastmaster experience (can you tell this one is on my mind today), with watching my family do unhealthy things, and even allowing myself to want what I want and fully be ok with that.

Conviction number TWO.

Next one: "I always ask for what I want when I want it."

Don't even pretend. No. No and no. I am beginning to know what I want. That has actually been quite a journey. Doesn't that seem odd? How can I have been on the planet all this time and still not really know what I want? Well, I've spent my life pleasing others (thanks to growing up with an alcoholic), doing what THEY wanted me to do, being the way THEY wanted me to be -- or at least what I THOUGHT they wanted. It's been fun to figure out what I like.

I had breakfast with a friend yesterday who said she had gone through a time when she was trying to figure out what made her happy. She began to write down any time she noticed she was happy and what she was happy about. Over time she's learned a lot about herself, like how having a clean house makes her happy. For me, having a beautiful view out the window behind my computer makes me happy. I really love to sit here and look out the window at the plants and sunshine as I work.

What do I want? That takes me back to the Lifespring Basic where that question was asked over and over during and exercise. Boy, that gets you right down to the core of it. I want to make the biggest difference for the most people. I want to positively influence education in our country. I want to empower and encourage others to be the magnificent creatures they are here to be. I want a loving, nurturing relationship with a confident, spunky man. Yes, I said it.

Next?

"I will take total responsibility for my experience."

I'm actually pretty good on this one. It is very rare now that I blame. I'm clear (unless I'm just really tired) that if I have a reaction to you it's a reflection of something going on in me. I am grateful for the mirror, the lesson, and set about figuring out what it is in my that is creating this feeling. Really. Sometimes I have to walk away for a bit and think about it. Sometimes I need to do a forgiveness process to get past it (I have a few I'm working on now, as a matter of fact), but I'm certain that it's about me, not about them.

The last one: "I always keep my agreements."

[can you hear the deep exhale this one brought on?]

One of my mentors just completed 100 days of keeping her word. She said it took her 160 days to actually do it. That's kind of how it is for me. Right now I have a commitment to complete my "to-do" list every day. So far, so good.

Oh, except this one phone call that I've put off for about 4 days now. Crud. GET OVER IT!! Just make the call, for crying out loud. It won't kill you. Good grief. It's just a phone call.

All but that. Oh, and being a few minutes late when meeting friends.

Oh, and...

You get the idea.

Convicted.

I'm so grateful that spiritual and personal growth is a journey. Someone brilliant once said, "If you want to know if your 'done' or not just check if you're still breathing. If you are, then you aren't."

Onward, fellow travelers!!

Pam

Oneness Story

I'm done with James Twyman's Oneness project. For the second time. I must be honest, though. This time I didn't really complete it. My friend, Tammy, says once you've started it the alchemy continues especially if you are around other who are doing it. Our friend, Penny, texted the affirmations to a group of us every day so I suppose that kept me thinking about it even though I didn't read to the end.

Why am I telling you this?

I do believe the alchemy has been working and I have a story to show it.

About a month ago I started teaching for Drama Kids. This past Friday was a happy hour and Saturday was an annual training for the spring performances. One of the teachers is a Kindergarten teacher I'll call Joy. She's a fun, wacky kind of person and I really like her although I've seen her all of 3 times.

At one point during the day her phone kept ringing and she snuck off to take the call real quick. I overheard her say the name of the street where my house for sale is. I turned to the other teachers and said "I'll bet she's going to go look at my house today." Now, I don't know anything about Joy's situation, whether she's looking for a house, going to see a friend, lives on that street. Nothing. Why would I assume that? (Oneness)

When she walked back over I asked what the address on the house was. Thinking there was something wrong with the house, she asked why. Just tell me. Why? Would it be blah blah blah? Shut up! Why? That's my house. She all but fell out on the floor as the excitement and awe grew. How could this be? We just met and this serendipity of her looking for a house and finding MY house to see.

But wait, there's more.

She went to see the house that afternoon on the strong advice of her agent. It turns out she had been looking for a while and was very picky. She'd already passed on over 30 houses so she was hopeful. I got a call late afternoon during an open house for my music studio. I asked what she thought and she was low key on the phone. All of a sudden she shouted "I LOVED IT!!" and the excitement continued. I love the house, I love Toni.... wait a minute. Toni is my agent. Why was she there? How do you know Toni? You'll never believe this, she said. My agent works with your agent and you know him. Who is it? Dan. Dan? Yep. Dan, who helped my mom buy her two houses and is a good friend of mine. So it was Dan who told her my house was perfect for her (which it is!) and she is putting in a contract on Tuesday.

Then Joy dropped the ball. I have a question, she said.

This is a short sale and could take a while to get the process completed. We are hoping to record before summer. But you might remember me saying we are renting a house in foreclosure and we have to be out in two weeks. Would you be willing to rent your house to us until the deal is recorded? OF COURSE!!

Dan is already drawing up the papers for a rent agreement.

This more than handles my BIG question to the Universe about making sure I stay in integrity with my mom who owns my house. I owe her rent starting March 1 and had no idea how I would make that happen. I am working. Hard. A lot. Doing lots of things. I am moving in such a positive direction and yet... I've been looking for a roommate since I moved here with ads on CraigsList (not so successful) and Roommates.com (also not so successful, although better people) AND an ad in the church newsletter. I have been keeping the faith, certain that I would figure it out, that a solution would come.

Guess what. Here's the solution.

Epilogue.

I got off the phone with Joy and shared the good news with my music studio "family." Mouths stood open as we shared the wonderment of so many things lining up at once. Then I got another call. This one from a potential student who can't wait to start her daughter in piano lessons on Wednesday.

Life is good.

Pam