My friends, I am struggling today. I am dealing with -- processing -- an issue that is taking way too much of my conscious time. As a result, I am finding myself running through scenarios, practicing conversations, asking "what else could I have done?", and yes, feeling resentful and small because of it.
YUCK!!
Yet, I am struggling because I can't seem to shake it.
I hear my friend, Vicki Kalmin, tell me "love it, just love it completely, ENFUSE the situation with love."
I hear my friend, Carol Reynolds, ask me "when was the first time you remember having this feeling?"
I hear my friend, Diane Donovan, remind me that the mind is powerful and to approach everything from the soul level, that we are all connected.
I read in The Art of Spiritual Peacemaking the voice of James Twyman/Yeshua "There is nothing you need to change about yourself, but rather, to accept what cannot change."
I remember from the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that I can only change those things in my circle of influence. Those things in my circle of concern just create worry.
I will not explain the detail because I have a new promise that I will only speak kindly about it from now on. Of course making that kind of promise has already found me back in that old thought pattern - GOSSIPY. Yuck. Declaring love brings up all those things "unloving", right?
The icky stuff I'm feeling is about toleration, courage, and making the choice when to just walk away.
In broad strokes, I found myself tolerating a situation that was unhealthy. I was associated with a group where I had started to resist going to meetings, groaning to myself yet going out of obligation. I think in solutions, so I did what I knew (and even tried some new stuff) to make the situation better. To no avail. I was not able to make the changes needed for this to be a healthy situation. My ego is saying "YOU FAILED."
After a time, I made the decision to walk away.
But I didn't make the situation better. At least, I don't think so.
What I struggle with (I think) is that I didn't to the really courage thing of confronting the leader and call for the removal of this leader in the best interest of the group. That is my own courage issue.
I think for me this goes back to childhood (of course -- thank you, Carol) when I never had to really deal with conflicts like this. Are you wondering if I had some sort of calm, zen childhood? Oh, hell no. You see, if I had a conflict I didn't worry about it because pretty soon I'd be moving away. See the pattern? Conflict = go away. The moving was never BECAUSE of the conflict (in my childhood) but was often very convenient.
I think it was Gaye Hendricks I was reading the other day (he's such a genius) who was sharing a story about a previous marriage. He said when conflict happened he moved away from his wife's love when what he should have done was lean INTO her love. What a concept.
My mind goes to a low ropes event we do at camp called the Low V. In this event, you MUST lean INTO your partner to get across and win the event. Imagine a HIGH V, 30 feet off the ground where you are leaning INTO your partner. Trust and Commitment. That's what it takes.
So was I showing Trust and Commitment to this group? Or did I just RUN to make it easy?
Or is there a time when you just have to walk away?
Is this a case of me not being ready for whatever lesson was there for me? (I'm sure I'll get another chance...you know how that works.)
Did I contribute something positive to the situation?
Or is this a case of me just wanting to feel bad? You know, that's a real possibility here since I've been realizing lately how well things are going for me. Business is good, I am enjoying my flexible schedule, I'm attending live music events, going for walks most days. Is it just a matter of what Gaye Hendricks calls an "upper limit problem." I'm getting what I want so it's time to screw it up.
I need to finish this book (The Big Leap) and I mean QUICK.
Ok. Thank you, my friends, for letting me work this out with you. There are lessons here (like the conflict = leave lesson). I will continue to enfuse love into the situation whenever it comes to mind. I will continue to ask "when did you first experience this feeling?" and the eternal question "what's this REALLY about for you?"
In the meantime, I will speak with LOVE and KINDNESS. I will endeavor to leave every place and person an little better off than before. I will be courageous in voicing my love and appreciation for others. And for myself.
Thank you for walking this path with me. I so appreciate knowing you are there.
Pam
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