Upper Limit Problem: Barrier no. 2

In my last post, I began to explore the barriers I have to success with the guidance from the book “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks (www.hendricks.com). I am revealing my process here so that I might help some of you who may be hitting a wall to your own success. 

I have been struggling with a seemingly insurmountable blockade to going all the way and achieving my greatest success. I get on a good path, headed in a good direction and WHAM! something happens that screws it up. I start losing weight, then I turn around and have gained 10 pounds. I get my finances in order and my car blows up. I get a great new job assignment then I get sick (and I NEVER get sick). What is going on here? When I found Gay’s book, I knew it would be powerful and it has definitely turned out to be.

So on we go to Barrier no. 2: Disloyalty and Abandonment

The unconscious mantra goes like this (from the book):

I cannot expand to my full success because it would cause me to end up all alone, be disloyal to my roots, and leave behind people from my past.

 The questions to ask about this are:

“Did I break my family’s spoken or unspoken rules to get where I am?” and 

“Did I fail to meet the expectations my parents had of me?”

If you answer yes to either of these questions, says Gay, then you’re likely to experience guilt feelings as you become more and more successful. To me guilt and shame are closely related (my coaches will have a hay-day with that, I’m sure!). The guilt makes us put on the brakes so that we either stop having successes or stop ourselves from feeling good about the success. If this is your barrier, according to the book, then you often follow successes with times of self-punishment (remember my reference to getting sick just after a great work assignment?).

The first question is a definite “yes.” This is the one where if you behave differently from how your family behaves, believe things they don’t believe, try things not in the family culture, you are questioned, judged, censured.  The underlying, accusing question, “Why would you want to do THAT?”

For example, my spiritual beliefs are pretty different from the bulk of my family. Most of my extended family is Methodist and I was raised in that church as well, as much as we went to church. I remember being chastised by my Granny Baker when we went to a Hinsdale, Montana, town reunion one year. My sister and I didn’t usually attend church so on Sunday morning we went wandering through the town. After the service, we got an earful from Granny asking us why we weren’t in church. Oops.

For many years, I towed the line and kept my spiritual disagreements to myself, KNOWING there was something different out there but beginning to feel like a freak since I seemed to disagree with so much of what I saw and heard in church. Guilt. Shame. Why am I so different? Such a problem? Why can’t I just do what everyone else is doing? Do I always have to be the rebel? This goes back to barrier no. 1 a bit, doesn’t it? The thought that there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. Of course there isn’t really ANYTHING wrong with me. 

Hey, Ego. Shhhhhh!

Just last summer, I began to embrace my spirituality again and allowed myself the space to be honest about my beliefs. What DO I believe? What questions DO I have? Where can I find the spiritual food that will guide me to a closer relationship with God/Universe/Source? I was invited to a religious science church and was astounded that others on the planet thought like I did. I was invited to attend the Spiritual Peacemakers class with the Beloved Community where I have been expanding my understanding of myself as a piece of God. This is NOT what my minister cousins believe. They think my whole family is a little weird. 

I’m beginning to be ok with that, though. Every time I get that spirit “tingle” I know I’m on the right path. At least for me. I send them love. Yet is is “breaking the spoken or unspoken rules” in my family. Just ask Granny (well, she’s moved onto the next adventure...).

In my professional life, I’m seeing why I’ve censured myself regarding my music performance. My family is very musical yet amateur level musical. My grandmother was a professional accompanist...in a small town in Montana. No one has been professional in any way other than teaching music. We all played instruments or sang in the choir throughout school. My sister and a few cousins even teach music. I’m realizing that there wasn’t much playing of instruments around the house though. Interesting.

When I was in college studying music, we were singing opera scenes, learning arias -- all kinds of very serious music. I was studying with a woman who was/is a professional opera singer and around great music in the Washington, DC, area. When I went to my grandma’s house for a visit I was singing some aria and enjoying myself when she came into the room with a puzzled look on her face. “You don’t want to be an OPERA singer, DO YOU?” I respected this woman. Unconsciously, I began to put this thought completely out of my head. I have never even auditioned for an opera. The power of ONE comment.

My mother told me a long time ago that she had wanted to study music in college but was forbidden by her step-father since he was paying the bill. He insisted that she get a practical degree so that she could go out and get a good job. It killed her spirit in a lot of ways. She loves music and has even sung in many church and community choirs. But she hasn’t studied seriously since she was a kid.

My family “understanding” is that music is a nice hobby but not something that you do professionally. It took all of the courage I had to quit the school district and go into business for myself as a private music teacher. When I realized I could make the same money in half the time, freeing me up to do whatever else I’d like to do with my life, I just couldn’t say “no” any longer.

I now sing in a professional caroling group, very high level a cappella jazz quartet singing. I love it. I cherish it, as a matter of fact. I even BRAG about it. I love the challenge of knowing all that music, of singing it on demand, and connecting to every client. It’s just FUN. My family doesn’t really “get” it. My dad even recently admitted that I’m being successful much quicker than he had thought I would. He was surprised. It almost —yes, ALMOST—makes me feel like I should slow down.

Nope. Success, here I am!! (By the way, while I’ve been writing this, I’ve added two new students.)

Back to the questions.

Family culture regarding relationships is non-communication, avoiding problems, substance abuse, denying who you are and what you need, and divorce. In addition, there is a LOUD underlying belief that men are irresponsible and/or dangerous.

I have been married twice. The first one ended primarily because of bipolar disorder on his part. The lifestyle was very much like living with my alcoholic step-father in a lot of ways. The second one ended because of financial irresponsibility. I’d like to say “on his part” but I must be responsible in my view of the situation. WE created a mess. I allowed it, bought into it, surrendered to it, and played my favorite part—“VICTIM”—in response to it.

These failed marriages are not a surprise to my family since this is just the way it is. It is to be expected. Marriages fail. If they weren’t going to anyway, we make sure they do. I wouldn’t say it’s a conscious decision.

Look at the next relationship I had. Very nice man. Similar philosophy of life. Thought I was amazing. Respected my opinion. Treated me very well. With my family culture of “avoid problems,” when I started to feel uncomfortable, I pulled away. I got scared. Told myself “this is the same as...” and ran. Recently I heard someone say about trouble in a relationship that when things get uncomfortable that is the time to “lean into the love” with the partner. What a great thought. Instead of run, trust the love that is there to work through whatever it is.

At the time, I thought it was another case of attracting the wrong man, but who knows? Maybe any of these people WERE the right man, just doomed because of my barrier to success.

Hey, Universe, can I please have another chance at working through stuff with a romantic partner? This “lean into the love” thing sounds much better than pulling away and running. (Picture us on the low—or high—V getting really far across because of our complete commitment and trust. Nice.)

More recently, I saw this barrier show up in April after the first of four Leadership Challenge camp weekends. The first weekend was great. I was a full-fledged facilitator. I got to run events, do tee-ups and tee-downs. I loved it! On Monday when I got home, the headache and run-down feeling turned into shades of the flu. I NEVER GET SICK. I learned a long time ago that I only have physical issues when I’m avoiding something or just need a break. At the first sign, I do a internal inventory and find out what might be “up” for me, take a day of rest and pampering and usually I’m back at it. No problem.

Not this time.

This stupid flu-ish thing lasted for several weeks and even now at the end of MAY, I still have a little cough hanging on. MAY.

If this isn’t guilt reactions to some success barrier I don’t know what it is. So dumb. And yet, here it is.

I can’t tell you how many times this kind of thing has happened in my life. How about you? Please tell me I’m not the only one…

My friend, Vicki, would remind me to infuse this barrier with love. It is here for a reason. Love it. Thank it. And release it. And more. And more. And more.

Love to you all,

Pam

Upper Limit Problem: Barrier no. 1

I very wisely (if I do say so myself) am reading "The Big Leap" by Gay Hendricks. I heard an interview with him and knew this was an important book for me. It arrived in the mail and oooooo! it's so pretty! Then it sat on my coffee table in the living room for....oh.....probably three months. THREE MONTHS!!

Now that I'm actually reading it, I understand my resistance. Oh, don't get me wrong -- it's an amazing book. "Resistance" because I knew it would change my life. This certainly isn't the first book to have this impact, nor will it be the last.

I invite you on this journey with me. Read along (the book, that is)! Do your own work, though, and dig for yourself so that you can live in your Zone of Genius. Being everything we can be is what this blog is all about.

In chapter 2, Gay describes the barriers that come up when we reach higher and higher levels of success. He writes "when you attain higher levels of success, you often create personal dramas in your life that cloud your world with unhappiness and prevent you from enjoying your enhanced success."

Drama? Me? You mean something ridiculous and petty that doesn't mean anything to anyone but me? Something I just can't seem to shake or overcome despite my best logic? Something that appears as judgement and nastiness toward another? Whew! This sounds an awful lot like survival, automatic reactions that feel like my life depends on it. Yet, there's a deep knowing that it's all a facade.

Read on.

Gay identifies four barriers that come up for people. He says everyone he's worked with has at least one although no one has had all four. Well, he clearly hasn't met me.

[I'm not going to do a book report here so go buy the book and find out what he means by "barrier" and how to identify each one for yourself. I reveal my own process with the intention of helping all of us on our journey. If you don't want to read it, cool. Still, go get the book...unless of course you currently ARE operating in your Zone of Genius, not just your Zone of Excellence.]

Barrier #1: Feeling Fundamentally Flawed

My Upper Limit mantra is:
I cannot expand to my full potential because there is something fundamentally wrong with me.

Of course I don't believe this consciously, yet it haunts me. When will they find out I'm a fraud? I don't really know what I'm doing, you know. "I don't know how" is a phase that flits through my brain. Where does this come from?

Gay describes cases of an "invisible crime" that kids commit when a parent unknowingly disregards, judges, ignores, etc. because of something they didn't even do or didn't have any control over. My mom and I were discussing our history the other day and she reminded me of something that happened not long after she and my dad split up. I was 4 or 5 and she was very broke. She wanted me to get into the Headstart program because it was free. I would have childcare and "school" at no cost. She was in graduate school and worked as a graduate assistant. With two little ones at home, it was really hard financially. Well, I went in for the test with the Headstart program and apparently I was brilliant. I knew more than plenty for my young age and was OVER-qualified for their program. Even when she was relating the story to me a few days ago, my mom jokingly blamed me for being "too smart."

That was my "invisible crime." Because I was too smart, my mom had to figure out childcare which ended up being my sister watching me a lot, something that would be illegal now but at that time was acceptable. Do I  have a deeper understanding of families who make their kids watch each other because they just can't afford childcare? You bet. Not that it's right or good or even SAFE, but I understand.

It's a little thing, right?

Do you think there's any relationship between that at my 3.76 GPA in high school? My being SUMA cum laude in college, not MAGNA? With being second best so many times in my life?

Gay writes that each of these barriers comes with a related fear. The one for this barrier is "if you did make a full commitment to living in your Zone of Genius, you might fail." Fully committing. What does THAT look like? Put all my eggs in one basket? With no "back door"? Aaaaaagggghhh!!

"It's the belief that even your genius is flawed, and that if you expressed it in a big way, it wouldn't be good enough." Is that why I'm not performing? Is that why I'm terrified of auditions? Is that why I took voice lessons last summer and did nothing with it? Is that why I have voice recitals planned that I've never done? I'm even reluctant to sing at karaoke, for crying out loud!! Crazy!

"This belief tells you to play it safe and stay small. That way, if you fail, at least you fail small." Coaches, are you listening? How many times have I been told that I am not working up to my potential? I head in a good direction, I do great, everyone is happy, congratulates me, celebrates me...and then I quit.

I quit.

Projects, learning, relationships...you name it. Play small.

This is not in any way a "beat up Pam" session. This is an awareness session. I TOLD YOU this book is changing my life. When I read through the four barriers I couldn't breathe. I say this is good. I say this is some of the deepest work I've done.

I'm only on Chapter TWO so I know there are solutions here as well. Stay with me, especially if you are also holding back in your life, wondering why you can't seem to get to the top of your game, why you step back when you know know know you need to step up.

The next three posts will be my exploration of the other three barriers:
Hidden Barrier no. 2: Disloyalty and Abandonment
Hidden Barrier no. 3: Believing That More Success Bring a Bigger Burden
Hidden Barrier no. 4: The Crime of Outshining

"The Big Leap" by Gay Hendricks. Subtitle: "Conquer Your hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level." It's not cheap at $25.99 but look for a used copy on Amazon or something. WELL worth it.

With love,
Pam

Is Avoiding Conflict Perpetuating Conflict?

My friends, I am struggling today. I am dealing with -- processing -- an issue that is taking way too much of my conscious time. As a result, I am finding myself running through scenarios, practicing conversations, asking "what else could I have done?", and yes, feeling resentful and small because of it.

YUCK!!

Yet, I am struggling because I can't seem to shake it.

I hear my friend, Vicki Kalmin, tell me "love it, just love it completely, ENFUSE the situation with love."

I hear my friend, Carol Reynolds, ask me "when was the first time you remember having this feeling?"

I hear my friend, Diane Donovan, remind me that the mind is powerful and to approach everything from the soul level, that we are all connected.

I read in The Art of Spiritual Peacemaking the voice of James Twyman/Yeshua "There is nothing you need to change about yourself, but rather, to accept what cannot change."

I remember from the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that I can only change those things in my circle of influence. Those things in my circle of concern just create worry.

I will not explain the detail because I have a new promise that I will only speak kindly about it from now on. Of course making that kind of promise has already found me back in that old thought pattern - GOSSIPY. Yuck. Declaring love brings up all those things "unloving", right?

The icky stuff I'm feeling is about toleration, courage, and making the choice when to just walk away.

In broad strokes, I found myself tolerating a situation that was unhealthy. I was associated with a group where I had started to resist going to meetings, groaning to myself yet going out of obligation. I think in solutions, so I did what I knew (and even tried some new stuff) to make the situation better. To no avail. I was not able to make the changes needed for this to be a healthy situation. My ego is saying "YOU FAILED."

After a time, I made the decision to walk away.

But I didn't make the situation better. At least, I don't think so.

What I struggle with (I think) is that I didn't to the really courage thing of confronting the leader and call for the removal of this leader in the best interest of the group. That is my own courage issue.

I think for me this goes back to childhood (of course -- thank you, Carol) when I never had to really deal with conflicts like this. Are you wondering if I had some sort of calm, zen childhood? Oh, hell no. You see, if I had a conflict I didn't worry about it because pretty soon I'd be moving away. See the pattern? Conflict = go away. The moving was never BECAUSE of the conflict (in my childhood) but was often very convenient.

I think it was Gaye Hendricks I was reading the other day (he's such a genius) who was sharing a story about a previous marriage. He said when conflict happened he moved away from his wife's love when what he should have done was lean INTO her love. What a concept.

My mind goes to a low ropes event we do at camp called the Low V. In this event, you MUST lean INTO your partner to get across and win the event. Imagine a HIGH V, 30 feet off the ground where you are leaning INTO your partner. Trust and Commitment. That's what it takes.

So was I showing Trust and Commitment to this group? Or did I just RUN to make it easy?

Or is there a time when you just have to walk away?

Is this a case of me not being ready for whatever lesson was there for me? (I'm sure I'll get another chance...you know how that works.)

Did I contribute something positive to the situation?

Or is this a case of me just wanting to feel bad? You know, that's a real possibility here since I've been realizing lately how well things are going for me. Business is good, I am enjoying my flexible schedule, I'm attending live music events, going for walks most days. Is it just a matter of what Gaye Hendricks calls an "upper limit problem." I'm getting what I want so it's time to screw it up.

I need to finish this book (The Big Leap) and I mean QUICK.

Ok. Thank you, my friends, for letting me work this out with you. There are lessons here (like the conflict = leave lesson). I will continue to enfuse love into the situation whenever it comes to mind. I will continue to ask "when did you first experience this feeling?" and the eternal question "what's this REALLY about for you?"

In the meantime, I will speak with LOVE and KINDNESS. I will endeavor to leave every place and person an little better off than before. I will be courageous in voicing my love and appreciation for others. And for myself.

Thank you for walking this path with me. I so appreciate knowing you are there.

Pam

Good Day

My definition of a GOOD DAY:

A morning choir concert of one of my students. They were dressed in flowers and wings and sang about bugs and spiders and nature. Very cute. Cute enough to distract me from the two teachers talking about who knows what on the next bench (until I gave the "what are you doing?" stare - evil laugh inserted here). Cute enough to make me incredibly glad I came.

An afternoon of rehearsal with the cutest bunch of farmers and animals I could see. My 6-8 year old class practiced on the BIG STAGE for their performance tomorrow. They remembered their lines, chased the foxes around, and were appropriately shocked when Mother invited the intruders to dinner.

An evening listening to the sounds of a middle school orchestra concert that another student invited me to. The bonus is that he goes to the school where I taught just last year so I got to see all my little babies all grown up. Hugs and hugs and hugs. How are you doing? and It's so good to see you? and Where are you going to high school next year?

Yep.

A very GOOD DAY.

P.

Reconciliation

I went to a concert last night that has me out of balance.

Don't get me wrong. It was a wonderful concert. The Las Vegas Philharmonic performed with the Las Vegas Master Singers and a quartet of professional singers. It was Opera Night. Some well-known arias and a few choruses from operas I studied in college.

Ah, yes.

Carmen.

The flower duet.

Traviata.

Hmmmmm. Delicious.

Today I find myself yearning...yes, that is the right word...YEARNING for gardens. For flowers. For the beauty and peace of green and pink and yellow. For the grace of an iris. For the intoxicating smell of the hyacinth. Spring bulbs and clumsy country perennials.

And the tears flow.

You see, two days ago I found myself in the yard of my soon-to-be-sold house. I don't live there any more. Yet I am still drawn to care for the yard. I had stopped by a week or so before and been appalled at the state of the yard. Overgrown, weeds...shocking. Don't laugh. I come from a long line of gardeners. My grandmother was a champion flower arranger so having a yard that looked like that was an affront to my very DNA. And so I responded.

Sometimes I think the only thing (or one of the only things) that keeps me human is to dig my hands into the dirt and connect with the very planet on a physical level. The soul connection with Mother Earth herself is like touching the face of God. Even in the desert of Nevada. Even if the weeds are surrounded with the stupid damned rocks that seem to be in every "xeriscape" yard. Where is the earth? I look out every window of my house and see rocks. Hard, cold rocks.

I need green.

I need dirt.

My CAT even needs dirt (I don't understand it but she loves to roll in the dirt and has rubbed a bare spot in every yard I've had to create what she needs).

During my time weedwacking (yes, weedwacking) the entire back yard, I found myself with pruners in hand, talking to the pear tree. I don't know why, but I said, "I'm so sorry," and started to cry. Why in the world was I sorry to the pear tree? And what in the world brought these tears? What am I processing here?

I called my daughter, Jenna, about the tree thing. You see, the tree was a birthday gift to her the first year we were in Las Vegas. She said, "If you're going to move me to Las Vegas, I want a fruit tree in the yard." She had never asked for any kind of plant or bush or anything like that so I bought it and we planted it. Maybe three years later, after she had moved out, the tree started to bear fruit and had created delicious pears ever since. We canned and canned each year. When I talked to her she (very wisely) suggested that maybe I was saying I was sorry for a promise unfulfilled. "Trees are very permanent, Mom. So maybe that's it." Of course, she added, that she has no ill feelings about the tree so as far as she is concerned we are good.

A tree. Crying about a silly tree.

An unfulfilled promise.

Back to the opera.

An unfulfilled promise.

Flash back to about 16 years ago at a high ropes course in Pennsylvania. Picture me climbing a 30 foot telephone pole. I get to the top to find a rickety disk at the top and me standing on it. I turn around to face a bell I will ring when I jump off. "What does the bell represent?" the people below me ask. It is a symbol of my future, according to the event. "CARNAGE HALL and my audition for the New York Opera." And I jumped. And I nailed it.

And then life happened.

I started teaching elementary music. "I can't take lessons or be in a performing group now. I have to concentrate on getting my feet under me as a teacher."

Then it was kids.

Then it was divorce.

Then it was moving.

Then it was...

Fear.

My whole life, music has been my unfulfilled promise. I've got something. I get music. Especially song. But even when I played viola in my prime people would comment on the passion and deep, mature understanding of the music. I was chosen for All-State. Then again. Then for a national choir that would tour Europe...but that one was just a dream. Money. Damn it!

Practicing doesn't cost anything, I would tell myself. True, but you can only teach yourself so much. Lessons cost money. Voice lessons cost more (you have to hire a teacher AND a pianist).

Argument with self ensues:

Do you really want the performer lifestyle?

(Grandmother's voice, disbelieving) You don't want to be a professional opera singer, do you?

What will you do with the kids?

You have to work. This will be fine. It's fine. It's good. Really. No, REALLY.

It was many years later that I found the carolers. Then I bought Maynard (my new viola) and started lessons. Then started to learn Garage Band. Then re-started a private music studio.

Then stopped practicing.

Again.

Filled my life with OTHER stuff. You know, the "other" stuff. The stuff of survival.

Don't get me wrong. Survival, on one level anyway, is good. You really do need a roof over your head, heat, water, food. That's all good. But that doesn't really make you "human" on more that a physical level. Being alive is good.

Being human is better.

So humanity for me is dirt. And flowers. And music. Without it, I lose myself.

Ahhhh. There you are!

Sunburn. Scratched and bruised arms.

Sitting at the piano trying a new piece.

Flipping through a guitar book reviewing where in the world all the notes are.

Singing everywhere I go (no, really) whatever song has taken over my brain today.

Human.

Much better.

Let Go!

I was listening to Guy Finley speak on Healing with the Masters this week. He was talking about letting go. Letting go of those things that weigh us down, cause us unhappiness, poison our soul. He told a story about learning to water ski, falling, and hanging on to the tow rope for dear life as he was dragged through the water. His family was yelling from the boat and the shore, "LET GO!" Eventually he did let go but only when he felt there was no other option. He suggested later in the interview that the reason we don't let go is because we don't even see what's going on. We don't realize how simple the solution is.

Sometimes letting go is easy.

I went line dancing with a friend last night. We were both "first timers" and were glad there was a bit of a class going on. It was early in the evening and they always teach a few dances for the newbies like us. The rest of the night you're on your own to pick up the dances as you go along. I used to dance a lot in high school, age of disco and the first wave of line dancing. As a music teacher, I learned about contra dancing and have taught folk dancing for years...to kiddos, but still... I did pretty well, actually. It was funny to watch my brain work though. Klutz klutz klutz...OH, I get it! I was grateful for the more experienced dancers. It was easy to let go of looking good while my friend was out there struggling and laughing with me.

Then she went to the bathroom.

I stood to the side for a few minutes as I watched another line dance start. Why am I standing here? This is dumb. So I let go of the fear and went out to dance. Had a GREAT time.

Easy.

That one was easy to see. Like Guy said, the ones that are harder to let go are the ones we DON'T see.

I've noticed I'm still carrying anger regarding my former husband. Husband #2. I thought I had dealt with all of that and completely let go. I had nothing. Forgive, forgive, forgive. And then I was telling a story and found myself griping. No, bitching. There was anger in my voice. There was regret and pain. There was fear about both the past and future. It wasn't pretty.

Where did THIS come from?

I know through my study with Edwene Gaines that prosperity comes from regular tithing, yes, AND forgiveness work. I need to get to work.

Here's what James says today (actually Jeshua through James).

"A Spiritual Peacemaker has only one goal: to forgive everything and everyone by SEEING everything as it really is. When you perceive any thing as it is not, you will feel the need to attack it because you do not understand it. But when you realize that you are everything you perceive, that it literally is an aspect of you that seems splintered from the Source, then it is easier to understand because all the answers exist in the same place -- within you. Forgiveness is simply the ability to SEE past the illusions you once created to hide from the Truth, and KNOW what is real. You can do this at any moment. No preparation is required, only your willingness to lay aside what has never brought you joy." (The Art of Spiritual Peacemaking, by James Twyman)

Well, that's a mouthful.

Honesty. See everything as it really is. You are everything you perceive. It is literally an aspect of me. Know what is real.

My anger with #2 has to do with financial irresponsibility. That anger is really about me. Here I am (without #2) struggling financially. I tell myself I am recovering from the time with him. True? Maybe a little. But I also completely changed my life last August when I quit my job. That has nothing to do with #2. Given all I've learned now about living frugally and in creation, might I have my financial ducks in a row if I still had a salary? Maybe. I might still have decided to sell my house and downsize my housing costs. I have certainly learned to live simply (thank you, Lavender, for that mantra -- "I have an simple, easy life."). So #2 was just a mirror for my own irresponsibility (which I have unfortunately passed to my beautiful children). That is something I need to forgive MYSELF about. My #2 was a gift in my life to show me this part of myself.

Some of the dynamics of the relationship were strange, too. It seems he married his mother. Did I wish I were marrying my dad? Maybe so. They are very much alike. Did I face similar frustrations I've had with that relationship? Probably. Wishing it were something it isn't. Living in a dream rather than seeing what is really there. Ok, that's TWO marriages that happened in. Fantasy doesn't work in close relationships. That's all on me. "SEEING everything as it really is." It's ME that I need to forgive about this one, too. Another mirror. Another chance to heal some part of me.

I am grateful for being able to "SEE past these illusions." I've been dragged under the water long enough  for these lessons. I am letting go.

Pam