I very wisely (if I do say so myself) am reading "The Big Leap" by Gay Hendricks. I heard an interview with him and knew this was an important book for me. It arrived in the mail and oooooo! it's so pretty! Then it sat on my coffee table in the living room for....oh.....probably three months. THREE MONTHS!!
Now that I'm actually reading it, I understand my resistance. Oh, don't get me wrong -- it's an amazing book. "Resistance" because I knew it would change my life. This certainly isn't the first book to have this impact, nor will it be the last.
I invite you on this journey with me. Read along (the book, that is)! Do your own work, though, and dig for yourself so that you can live in your Zone of Genius. Being everything we can be is what this blog is all about.
In chapter 2, Gay describes the barriers that come up when we reach higher and higher levels of success. He writes "when you attain higher levels of success, you often create personal dramas in your life that cloud your world with unhappiness and prevent you from enjoying your enhanced success."
Drama? Me? You mean something ridiculous and petty that doesn't mean anything to anyone but me? Something I just can't seem to shake or overcome despite my best logic? Something that appears as judgement and nastiness toward another? Whew! This sounds an awful lot like survival, automatic reactions that feel like my life depends on it. Yet, there's a deep knowing that it's all a facade.
Read on.
Gay identifies four barriers that come up for people. He says everyone he's worked with has at least one although no one has had all four. Well, he clearly hasn't met me.
[I'm not going to do a book report here so go buy the book and find out what he means by "barrier" and how to identify each one for yourself. I reveal my own process with the intention of helping all of us on our journey. If you don't want to read it, cool. Still, go get the book...unless of course you currently ARE operating in your Zone of Genius, not just your Zone of Excellence.]
Barrier #1: Feeling Fundamentally Flawed
My Upper Limit mantra is:
I cannot expand to my full potential because there is something fundamentally wrong with me.
Of course I don't believe this consciously, yet it haunts me. When will they find out I'm a fraud? I don't really know what I'm doing, you know. "I don't know how" is a phase that flits through my brain. Where does this come from?
Gay describes cases of an "invisible crime" that kids commit when a parent unknowingly disregards, judges, ignores, etc. because of something they didn't even do or didn't have any control over. My mom and I were discussing our history the other day and she reminded me of something that happened not long after she and my dad split up. I was 4 or 5 and she was very broke. She wanted me to get into the Headstart program because it was free. I would have childcare and "school" at no cost. She was in graduate school and worked as a graduate assistant. With two little ones at home, it was really hard financially. Well, I went in for the test with the Headstart program and apparently I was brilliant. I knew more than plenty for my young age and was OVER-qualified for their program. Even when she was relating the story to me a few days ago, my mom jokingly blamed me for being "too smart."
That was my "invisible crime." Because I was too smart, my mom had to figure out childcare which ended up being my sister watching me a lot, something that would be illegal now but at that time was acceptable. Do I have a deeper understanding of families who make their kids watch each other because they just can't afford childcare? You bet. Not that it's right or good or even SAFE, but I understand.
It's a little thing, right?
Do you think there's any relationship between that at my 3.76 GPA in high school? My being SUMA cum laude in college, not MAGNA? With being second best so many times in my life?
Gay writes that each of these barriers comes with a related fear. The one for this barrier is "if you did make a full commitment to living in your Zone of Genius, you might fail." Fully committing. What does THAT look like? Put all my eggs in one basket? With no "back door"? Aaaaaagggghhh!!
"It's the belief that even your genius is flawed, and that if you expressed it in a big way, it wouldn't be good enough." Is that why I'm not performing? Is that why I'm terrified of auditions? Is that why I took voice lessons last summer and did nothing with it? Is that why I have voice recitals planned that I've never done? I'm even reluctant to sing at karaoke, for crying out loud!! Crazy!
"This belief tells you to play it safe and stay small. That way, if you fail, at least you fail small." Coaches, are you listening? How many times have I been told that I am not working up to my potential? I head in a good direction, I do great, everyone is happy, congratulates me, celebrates me...and then I quit.
I quit.
Projects, learning, relationships...you name it. Play small.
This is not in any way a "beat up Pam" session. This is an awareness session. I TOLD YOU this book is changing my life. When I read through the four barriers I couldn't breathe. I say this is good. I say this is some of the deepest work I've done.
I'm only on Chapter TWO so I know there are solutions here as well. Stay with me, especially if you are also holding back in your life, wondering why you can't seem to get to the top of your game, why you step back when you know know know you need to step up.
The next three posts will be my exploration of the other three barriers:
Hidden Barrier no. 2: Disloyalty and Abandonment
Hidden Barrier no. 3: Believing That More Success Bring a Bigger Burden
Hidden Barrier no. 4: The Crime of Outshining
"The Big Leap" by Gay Hendricks. Subtitle: "Conquer Your hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level." It's not cheap at $25.99 but look for a used copy on Amazon or something. WELL worth it.
With love,
Pam
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