Making Friends with My Ego

I woke up this morning with a weight on my head. I know that sounds a little strange and as I write it I wonder what that actually means. I had some sort of dream where I struggled. It's been weeks since I've had this type of dream (thankfully) and I'm wondering why now? What is going on that I am needing to struggle, even in my sleep?

What comes up for me is an old "tape." My ego (mind) is fighting the success I'm beginning to experience in my life. "It won't last." "It's a fluke." "Yes, but..." SHHHHHH!! I know I need to make friends with my ego since it is a part of who I am, after all. But sometimes....

I think I need to spend much of today outside. It's difficult to take a deep breath. I stepped outside onto the back patio a few minutes ago and was grateful for the cool air as it entered my lungs. I took several deep breaths, thanking the air, thanking the organisms in the air, thanking the sun, thanking gravity. Sometimes I have to get back to the very basic, basic things.

I'm working on something big in my mind, my understanding, my soul. My intention for this week is to speak my truth. I've been pretty clear and forthcoming with people.

Have I?

E-mail is still "safer" than live conversations. That is the next step, I suppose. That is the ridiculously simple next step. I'm noticing a child-like reaction to the idea of being forthright with people. A fear, a survival level fear. "But they won't like me!" I hear in my whiniest voice. This is my child, my little sweet girl who was alone so much. With move after move, my little girl desperately reached out for friends, taking whatever attention she was offered, accepting any type of friendship she could find. It would have been emotional suicide to counter anyone, to point out inconsistencies, to stand out by standing up. It wasn't until high school that I started not caring (on some level) what people thought and just did what I did.

I had a taste of the popular life for about 3 months my sophomore year.

Then...we moved. And I was a nobody again.

It surprises me when I get acknowledged now. I recently had an experience that helped me to see my impact on others. I got on a new level that my presence (or lack thereof) makes a difference.

I committed to coach a Challenge team. Then realized that Challenge was the same weekend of a Leadership Camp I had already committed to. Ego said, "Just tell Kathy you're busy that weekend. It's no big deal. You won't be missed." Thanks, Ego.

Then I got the email back from Kathy. My dear, loving friend. My friend I can count on to kick my butt when needed. "I am shocked that you would..." That's all I needed to hear. Previous coaching wafted through my mind "you are slippery with your commitments..." Crap. Here it was. In black and white. My stupid (no, I haven't yet made friends with my Ego) Ego/Mind LIED to me again. I immediately made the situation right by honoring my original commitment to camp and making sure my Challenge coachees were taken care of with a new coach.

You don't matter.

No one cares if you're here or not.

You don't have anything to say.

These are some of the LIES I hear from time to time. These are stories that have helped me survive all the moves. All the new people. All the changing rules. All the changing expectations. If I don't have anything to say, it won't bother me that I'm ignored by the other kids. If no one cares if I'm here or not, then they won't miss me when I leave (or the other way around). If I don't matter, then I can be treated how ever I'm treated and that is normal and fine.

Most of the time I can turn the volume down.

Some days, it gets kind of loud. Today, it turns out, is a loud day.



How do I turn it around? I go to gratitude. That is nearly always the turnaround secret.

I am grateful that my Ego has been protecting me. It has good intentions. I need to give it a new job.

Wait, I gave it a new job a few months ago. I gave it the job of making sure I have fun. Maybe all I need to do is REMIND it of that job.

So THERE, Ego. Get back to work!! Today is a "free" day where I can do whatever I want. I have very few appointments today, so what do I want to do that is fun??

Ego, are you thinking?

That's how I can make friends with my Ego.