In my last post, I began to explore the barriers I have to success with the guidance from the book “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks (www.hendricks.com). I am revealing my process here so that I might help some of you who may be hitting a wall to your own success.
I have been struggling with a seemingly insurmountable blockade to going all the way and achieving my greatest success. I get on a good path, headed in a good direction and WHAM! something happens that screws it up. I start losing weight, then I turn around and have gained 10 pounds. I get my finances in order and my car blows up. I get a great new job assignment then I get sick (and I NEVER get sick). What is going on here? When I found Gay’s book, I knew it would be powerful and it has definitely turned out to be.
So on we go to Barrier no. 2: Disloyalty and Abandonment
The unconscious mantra goes like this (from the book):
I cannot expand to my full success because it would cause me to end up all alone, be disloyal to my roots, and leave behind people from my past.
The questions to ask about this are:
“Did I break my family’s spoken or unspoken rules to get where I am?” and
“Did I fail to meet the expectations my parents had of me?”
If you answer yes to either of these questions, says Gay, then you’re likely to experience guilt feelings as you become more and more successful. To me guilt and shame are closely related (my coaches will have a hay-day with that, I’m sure!). The guilt makes us put on the brakes so that we either stop having successes or stop ourselves from feeling good about the success. If this is your barrier, according to the book, then you often follow successes with times of self-punishment (remember my reference to getting sick just after a great work assignment?).
The first question is a definite “yes.” This is the one where if you behave differently from how your family behaves, believe things they don’t believe, try things not in the family culture, you are questioned, judged, censured. The underlying, accusing question, “Why would you want to do THAT?”
For example, my spiritual beliefs are pretty different from the bulk of my family. Most of my extended family is Methodist and I was raised in that church as well, as much as we went to church. I remember being chastised by my Granny Baker when we went to a Hinsdale, Montana, town reunion one year. My sister and I didn’t usually attend church so on Sunday morning we went wandering through the town. After the service, we got an earful from Granny asking us why we weren’t in church. Oops.
For many years, I towed the line and kept my spiritual disagreements to myself, KNOWING there was something different out there but beginning to feel like a freak since I seemed to disagree with so much of what I saw and heard in church. Guilt. Shame. Why am I so different? Such a problem? Why can’t I just do what everyone else is doing? Do I always have to be the rebel? This goes back to barrier no. 1 a bit, doesn’t it? The thought that there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. Of course there isn’t really ANYTHING wrong with me.
Hey, Ego. Shhhhhh!
Just last summer, I began to embrace my spirituality again and allowed myself the space to be honest about my beliefs. What DO I believe? What questions DO I have? Where can I find the spiritual food that will guide me to a closer relationship with God/Universe/Source? I was invited to a religious science church and was astounded that others on the planet thought like I did. I was invited to attend the Spiritual Peacemakers class with the Beloved Community where I have been expanding my understanding of myself as a piece of God. This is NOT what my minister cousins believe. They think my whole family is a little weird.
I’m beginning to be ok with that, though. Every time I get that spirit “tingle” I know I’m on the right path. At least for me. I send them love. Yet is is “breaking the spoken or unspoken rules” in my family. Just ask Granny (well, she’s moved onto the next adventure...).
In my professional life, I’m seeing why I’ve censured myself regarding my music performance. My family is very musical yet amateur level musical. My grandmother was a professional accompanist...in a small town in Montana. No one has been professional in any way other than teaching music. We all played instruments or sang in the choir throughout school. My sister and a few cousins even teach music. I’m realizing that there wasn’t much playing of instruments around the house though. Interesting.
When I was in college studying music, we were singing opera scenes, learning arias -- all kinds of very serious music. I was studying with a woman who was/is a professional opera singer and around great music in the Washington, DC, area. When I went to my grandma’s house for a visit I was singing some aria and enjoying myself when she came into the room with a puzzled look on her face. “You don’t want to be an OPERA singer, DO YOU?” I respected this woman. Unconsciously, I began to put this thought completely out of my head. I have never even auditioned for an opera. The power of ONE comment.
My mother told me a long time ago that she had wanted to study music in college but was forbidden by her step-father since he was paying the bill. He insisted that she get a practical degree so that she could go out and get a good job. It killed her spirit in a lot of ways. She loves music and has even sung in many church and community choirs. But she hasn’t studied seriously since she was a kid.
My family “understanding” is that music is a nice hobby but not something that you do professionally. It took all of the courage I had to quit the school district and go into business for myself as a private music teacher. When I realized I could make the same money in half the time, freeing me up to do whatever else I’d like to do with my life, I just couldn’t say “no” any longer.
I now sing in a professional caroling group, very high level a cappella jazz quartet singing. I love it. I cherish it, as a matter of fact. I even BRAG about it. I love the challenge of knowing all that music, of singing it on demand, and connecting to every client. It’s just FUN. My family doesn’t really “get” it. My dad even recently admitted that I’m being successful much quicker than he had thought I would. He was surprised. It almost —yes, ALMOST—makes me feel like I should slow down.
Nope. Success, here I am!! (By the way, while I’ve been writing this, I’ve added two new students.)
Back to the questions.
Family culture regarding relationships is non-communication, avoiding problems, substance abuse, denying who you are and what you need, and divorce. In addition, there is a LOUD underlying belief that men are irresponsible and/or dangerous.
I have been married twice. The first one ended primarily because of bipolar disorder on his part. The lifestyle was very much like living with my alcoholic step-father in a lot of ways. The second one ended because of financial irresponsibility. I’d like to say “on his part” but I must be responsible in my view of the situation. WE created a mess. I allowed it, bought into it, surrendered to it, and played my favorite part—“VICTIM”—in response to it.
These failed marriages are not a surprise to my family since this is just the way it is. It is to be expected. Marriages fail. If they weren’t going to anyway, we make sure they do. I wouldn’t say it’s a conscious decision.
Look at the next relationship I had. Very nice man. Similar philosophy of life. Thought I was amazing. Respected my opinion. Treated me very well. With my family culture of “avoid problems,” when I started to feel uncomfortable, I pulled away. I got scared. Told myself “this is the same as...” and ran. Recently I heard someone say about trouble in a relationship that when things get uncomfortable that is the time to “lean into the love” with the partner. What a great thought. Instead of run, trust the love that is there to work through whatever it is.
At the time, I thought it was another case of attracting the wrong man, but who knows? Maybe any of these people WERE the right man, just doomed because of my barrier to success.
Hey, Universe, can I please have another chance at working through stuff with a romantic partner? This “lean into the love” thing sounds much better than pulling away and running. (Picture us on the low—or high—V getting really far across because of our complete commitment and trust. Nice.)
More recently, I saw this barrier show up in April after the first of four Leadership Challenge camp weekends. The first weekend was great. I was a full-fledged facilitator. I got to run events, do tee-ups and tee-downs. I loved it! On Monday when I got home, the headache and run-down feeling turned into shades of the flu. I NEVER GET SICK. I learned a long time ago that I only have physical issues when I’m avoiding something or just need a break. At the first sign, I do a internal inventory and find out what might be “up” for me, take a day of rest and pampering and usually I’m back at it. No problem.
Not this time.
This stupid flu-ish thing lasted for several weeks and even now at the end of MAY, I still have a little cough hanging on. MAY.
If this isn’t guilt reactions to some success barrier I don’t know what it is. So dumb. And yet, here it is.
I can’t tell you how many times this kind of thing has happened in my life. How about you? Please tell me I’m not the only one…
My friend, Vicki, would remind me to infuse this barrier with love. It is here for a reason. Love it. Thank it. And release it. And more. And more. And more.
Love to you all,
Pam
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