Integrity?

I was convicted today.

No, not of a crime. I'm not in jail or anything like that.

I picked up "The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity" by Edwene Gaines and determined to finally finish those last few pages. I've been studying this book for several months and have put into practice what she is teaching to the best of my ability. This book really was the inspiration for this blog, as a matter of fact.

So I opened the book to my bookmark and started to read. That's when I was convicted. You know, the God-whapping-you-on-the-head kind of conviction. The are-you-paying-attention-NOW kind of conviction.

The marker was at page 201 (follow along in your textbook, kiddies). The subtitle was "Affirmations for Integrity." I start to read and recognized that I've heard her talk about this on her CD on living your life purpose. The source is Tolly Burkan, the founder of the Firewalking Institute of Research and Education.

The first one is "I always pay attention."

Sure I do.

Oh, really? Then why is your Toastmaster club experiencing a drastic drop-off in attendance? Why is is that your tires are still wobbling and you haven't gotten them rotated in a while? Why is it that you are still 20 pounds overweight? Are you REALLY paying attention?

Edwene writes that it's about being 100 percent present to RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. When you pay attention completely, she says, you become whole with it.

Conviction number ONE.

Second one: "I always tell the truth and tell it quickly."

Absolut....ok, no.

She writes about being afraid of people not liking us or approving of us. That's why most of us don't tell our truth. We think we will "hurt" others if we are honest. It's about being true to myself and telling MY TRUTH. That is a very loving thing to do for everyone involved. I had a mentor once ask me what my involvement in her company would be. She said, "whether you say yes or no will be the best thing for you and it will also be the best thing for me so just be honest." Good advice. THAT is telling my own truth and telling it quickly.

For me, this is about being honest about my satisfaction with my Toastmaster experience (can you tell this one is on my mind today), with watching my family do unhealthy things, and even allowing myself to want what I want and fully be ok with that.

Conviction number TWO.

Next one: "I always ask for what I want when I want it."

Don't even pretend. No. No and no. I am beginning to know what I want. That has actually been quite a journey. Doesn't that seem odd? How can I have been on the planet all this time and still not really know what I want? Well, I've spent my life pleasing others (thanks to growing up with an alcoholic), doing what THEY wanted me to do, being the way THEY wanted me to be -- or at least what I THOUGHT they wanted. It's been fun to figure out what I like.

I had breakfast with a friend yesterday who said she had gone through a time when she was trying to figure out what made her happy. She began to write down any time she noticed she was happy and what she was happy about. Over time she's learned a lot about herself, like how having a clean house makes her happy. For me, having a beautiful view out the window behind my computer makes me happy. I really love to sit here and look out the window at the plants and sunshine as I work.

What do I want? That takes me back to the Lifespring Basic where that question was asked over and over during and exercise. Boy, that gets you right down to the core of it. I want to make the biggest difference for the most people. I want to positively influence education in our country. I want to empower and encourage others to be the magnificent creatures they are here to be. I want a loving, nurturing relationship with a confident, spunky man. Yes, I said it.

Next?

"I will take total responsibility for my experience."

I'm actually pretty good on this one. It is very rare now that I blame. I'm clear (unless I'm just really tired) that if I have a reaction to you it's a reflection of something going on in me. I am grateful for the mirror, the lesson, and set about figuring out what it is in my that is creating this feeling. Really. Sometimes I have to walk away for a bit and think about it. Sometimes I need to do a forgiveness process to get past it (I have a few I'm working on now, as a matter of fact), but I'm certain that it's about me, not about them.

The last one: "I always keep my agreements."

[can you hear the deep exhale this one brought on?]

One of my mentors just completed 100 days of keeping her word. She said it took her 160 days to actually do it. That's kind of how it is for me. Right now I have a commitment to complete my "to-do" list every day. So far, so good.

Oh, except this one phone call that I've put off for about 4 days now. Crud. GET OVER IT!! Just make the call, for crying out loud. It won't kill you. Good grief. It's just a phone call.

All but that. Oh, and being a few minutes late when meeting friends.

Oh, and...

You get the idea.

Convicted.

I'm so grateful that spiritual and personal growth is a journey. Someone brilliant once said, "If you want to know if your 'done' or not just check if you're still breathing. If you are, then you aren't."

Onward, fellow travelers!!

Pam